It sounds like you can't get out of the pit of human feelings. You have perfection, "And I don't think the world is sold." Then you have human feelings fighting that thought back, "We'll be counting stars." It's the toughest choice a person can make, whether to let love engulf them or let perfection take over. "Down this river every turn." Sounds like the decisions you make always winds up to your despair, to the decision. "I've been praying hard." Sounds like you have to decide, and you need guidance from God (I'm a Christian so don't judge me). But all the while, despair is hitting you hard, and the weight is crushing on you. But you can't decide.