For later date, she said. “I left my ticket open-ended. Julian said I should. Did I tell you where Julian is living now? He’s moved in with Rose and your brothers”
“He’s what?”
“I took Edward over to Rose’s to stay while I was gone, and there was Julian. He sleeps in Rose’s bedroom; he play cards with them all every night after supper.”
“Good God!” Macon said.”
“Have some of this cold meat.”
He accepted a slice, changing position as little as possible. As they ate, Sarah talked about their neighbors at home, about her art class, and how her teacher was pleased with her work.
“Good for you.” Macon said.
Sarah passed him a piece of fruit.
“Macon” she said. “Just tell me this. Was her little boy the reason you stayed with her?”
“No, it wasn’t. Look, it’s over. Can’t we leave it now? I don’t question you endlessly, do i?”
“But I don’t have someone following me to Paris!” she said.
“And what if you did? It wouldn’t be your fault.”
“You saw her before the plane left the ground. You could have told her to get off, that you never wanted to see her again.”
“You think I own the airline, Sarah?” Macon said.
“You could have taken steps to stop her,” Sarah said. “If you’d really wanted to.”
And then she rose and cleared away their supper.
Later, she gave him his next pill, but he hid it in his hand and did not take it. He lay with his eyes closed, listening to Sarah getting ready for bed. She fell asleep almost at once.
How often had he taken steps in his life? Never. His marriage, his two jobs, his time with Muriel, his return to Sarah. All these had happened to him. He couldn’t think of a single important act that he had done himself.
Was it too late now to begin?
Was there any way he could learn to do things differently?
He opened his hand and let the pill all among the bedclothes. He would not sleep now, but anything was better than that heavy, drugged felling.
In the morning, he got cautiously out of bed, and moving slowly and carefully got shaved and dressed. He packed his overnight bag. Then Sarah woke and sat up in bed.
“Macon? What are you doing?”
“Sweetheart, I’m packing to leave, and to catch my plane.”
“You, I am” he said. “I thought about it most of last night. It’s not the easy way out, believe me.”
She sat staring at him. She wore no expression. “Macon? Are you just trying to get even with me for the time I left you?”
“No, sweetheart.” He closed his overnight bag.
She got out of bed. “I suppose you realize what your life is going to be like. You’ll be one of those couples no one invites to parties. They’ll say, “My God, whatever does he see in her?” And her friends will no doubt ask the same about you.”
“That’s probably true,” Macon said. Yes, he thought, that’s how such couples happen. They come together for reasons that the rest of the world would never guess.
“I’m sorry, Sarah. I didn’t want to decide this” he said.
He put his arm around her painfully, and after a pause she let her head rest against his shoulder.
Out in the street he could not see any taxis so he began to walk.
Walking was quite easy but carrying his bag did terrible things (90) to his back. Did he really need it, actually? His passport and plane ticket were in his pocket. He put the bag down by a shop wall and walked on. At last he saw a taxi and managed to stop it.
He got in, and told the driver where he was going. The taxi made a U-turn, and Macon realized he had been walking in the wrong direction. He sat carefully, trying to protect his back from bumps in the road.
The taxi stopped at some lights, and he watched a fair-haired boy in the street, whose walk reminded him of the way Ethan used to walk. And for the first time the memory did not feel like an icy hand closing round his heart. Maybe he was beginning slowly to accept these memories, that they were part of him, and that he could live with them.
The taxi went past Macon’s hotel, and there outside stood Muriel, waving wildly at passing taxis, surrounded by suitcases and shopping bags and boxes full of red material.
“Arretez!” Macon cried to his driver, and the taxi braked sharply. A sudden flash of sunlight caught the taxi window, and little jewels seemed to fly across the glass. They were probably old water spots, but for a moment Macon thought they were something else. They were so bright and joyful, for a moment he thought they were wedding confetti.