TF: So, how do we reconcile the ideal of nonattachment with the need for human attachment?
JW: That’s a good question. If Buddhism is to fully take root in the Western psyche, in
my view, it needs to become more savvy about the dynamics of the Western psyche,
which is rather different from the Asian psyche. We need a larger perspective that can
recognize and include two different tracks of human development— which we might
call growing up and waking up, healing and awakening, or becoming a genuine human
person and going beyond the person altogether. We are not just humans learning to
become buddhas, but also buddhas waking up in human form, learning to become fully
human. And these two tracks of development can mutually enrich each other.
6
While the fruition of dharma practice is awakening, the fruition of becoming a fully
developed person is the capacity to engage in I-Thou relatedness with others. This
means risking being fully open and transparent with others, while appreciating and
taking an interest in what they are experiencing and how they are different from
oneself. This capacity for open expressiveness and deep attunement is very rare in this
world. It’s especially difficult if you are relationally wounded.
In short, dharma is all too often used as a way to deny our human side. As one Western
Zen teacher profiled in The New York Times told of being advised by one of his teachers:
“What you need to do is put aside all human feelings.” When entering psychotherapy
decades later, he recognized this had not been helpful advice, and it had taken him
decades to realize this.
But if we hold a perspective that includes the two developmental tracks, then we will
not use absolute truth to belittle relative truth. Instead of the either/or logic of, “Your
feelings are empty, so just let them go,” we could take a both/and approach: “Feelings
are empty, and sometimes we need to pay close attention to them.” In light of absolute
truth, personal needs are insubstantial like a mirage, and fixating on them causes
suffering. Yes, and at the same time, if a relative need arises, just shunting it aside can
cause further problems. In terms of relative truth, being clear about where you stand
and what you need is one of the most important principles of healthy communication in
relationships.
The great paradox of being both human and buddha is that we are both dependent and
not dependent. Part of us is completely dependent on people for everything—from
food and clothing to love, connectedness, and inspiration and help with our
development. Though our buddha nature is not dependent— that's absolute truth— our
human embodiment is — that's relative truth.
Of course, in the largest sense, absolute and relative are completely interwoven and
cannot be kept apart: The more we realize the absolute openness of what we are, the
more deeply we come to recognize our relative interconnectedness with all beings.