Don’t become a feedback
addict. Sometimes people get
excited about new learnings
and use them all the time in
every place. This can wear
thin very quickly. Not every
event needs to be worked
through. Not every utterance
needs to be perfect.
Remember to allow for some
slippage in your relationships;
take small risks, be willing to
“approximate,” and see what
happens. Above all, don’t use
others as guinea pigs on
which to practice your skills.
The feedback process works
best when it involves people
who are – at least in that
interaction – equals. If one
person is “up” (dominate,
faultless, containing all virtue)
and the other “down”
(passive, the culprit or villain
of the piece) it is likely to turn
into one of a number of
games, as the “down” person
attempts (usually without
realizing it) to equalize the
power between them and to
gain what might be called
psychological parity. If you
can recognize that what
began as a feedback
interaction between equals
has moved to a “helpless me”
or “awful me” or “you’re one
too” or “but you don’t
understand,” or any of a
variety of behaviors that might
be lumped under the term
“attack/defense,” you may be
able to alter the interaction’s
direction by having both you
and the other person look at
what’s happening. Note well:
both you and the other
person. For as long as the
burden is on the other, you’re
maintaining or increasing your
advantage and promoting an
escalation of the power
equalization efforts.