Introduction Edit
Ian speaks to a camera noting that Food Battle this year is cancelled. After many years, he has decided not do it again since he's more mature. Anthony however doesn't buy that since he came back from the dead. Ian claims that he's more mature, but is seen reading from a poop book. Anthony declares that they're doing Food Battle right now. Ian reluctantly agrees to do it, and after Anthony tosses him his Pink Frosted Sprinkled Donut, he half asses the intro (including the Word Art). Anthony, unimpressed, shows him how it's done with his new food, Rock Candy. Food Battle 2014 begins. After the title intro, Anthony's mouth hurts, said it's harder than it looks as Ian whispered "That's what she said."
The Battle Edit
Bike Seat Edit
Ian sits on the donut, but starts screaming in pain when the metal pipe goes through the donut and into his anus. Result: X
Anthony sits down on the rock candy, causing it to go into his anus. He says it works. He then screams in pain and starts to hold his butt. Result: ✓
Smoke Detector Edit
Anthony tells his rock candy to detect some smoke. He then looks down and notices that his legs are burning. He screams in pain. Result: X
Ian walks into Snoop Dogg's house which releases marijuana smoke. After saying that it smells like a skunk's butthole, the sound of a smoke detector going off is heard. Result: ✓
Tampon Edit
As Anthony searches for the next challenge, Ian has a hot girl called Fantasia sitting on his lap. Once Anthony realizes what he's pointed to, he decides to skip to another one.
Hacking Device Edit
Anthony tries to hack some bushes with his rock candy and spits all over the place. Result: X
Ian tells his doughnut to do some "real hacking". Using a computer, they hack into a site and recieve naked pictures of Anthony. He is then seen pouring bleach on his face in a bathroom. Result: ✓
Anal Suppository Edit
When Ian sees what Anthony has pointed to, he asks if they can skip it, but Anthony points out that they already have skipped the tampon challenge and they can't skip another one. Ian and Anthony are standing in the bathtub, where Ian suggests that they do it to each other. Anthony then gets into position as Ian proceeds to shove the rock candy up Anthony's anus. However, the footage was lost at that moment, leaving the winner of this challenge unknown. The two are traumatized on what they had just done and agreed never to speak of it again before moving on to the next challenge.
iPhone Edit
Ian uses the pink donut's "Siri" to call his mother to tell him that he is using the "Big boy potty". The camera pulls out to show him that he is sitting on the toilet. When it doesn't work, he gets angry and loses the round. Result: X
Anthony uses his rock candy to play Food Battle: The Game while sitting on a toilet. After the checkmark, Anthony farted. Only some people know. Result: ✓
Braille Edit
Anthony believes that the braille writing is telling him that Ian replaced his food with a cactus. He opens his eyes to see his fingers touching a cactus and bleeding. He says to Ian, "Goddamit Ian! You know I have sensitive fingers!" Result: ✓
Ian thinks his food is telling him the meaning of life is to not caught up in pointless battles involving food and to never ever cheat. It also tells him to move to the right, which he does. It turns out that Anthony had attached the cactus to a rope and is swinging it towards Ian's head. As Ian is telling Anthony to never out-cheat a cheater, the cactus returns and hits him in the back of the head. Result: ✓
Ending Edit
Anthony is about to announce the next challenge when he notices that his fingers are touching something purple and wet on the catalog. He realizes that he's touching poison. He comes up with a story of how Ian did it: When he was a small child, he planted a Brazilian, poisonous devil's breath tree. 13 years later, he hired a private logging company to turn that tree into a very thin, flexible paper (the very kind used in an average American catalog). He timed it perfectly so that nine Food Battles later, the poison within the pages would seep out and turn an ordinary catalog into a deadly piece of parchment. Ian reveals that he just dipped the catalog into a huge bucket of poison, which pulls out and places on the table. Anthony yells out, "Bob Barker's bruised ballsack!" and dies. Ian then laughed evily and yells "BITCH!" The announcer runs in to tell Ian that he'd just won Food Battle 2014, but he accidentally knocks Ians head into the bucket of poison and kills him. He then crowns himself as the winner of Food Battle 2014 and asks himself what he's going to do now. He tells himself that he's going to take a bubble bath and asks him if he can come, to which he replies, "F**k yeah!" The announcer and a clone of himself are then seen playing around in a bubble bath strangly.