Youngjae picked at his food, pushing things around as the faint sound of the clock on the wall tick tick ticked. By the time he was able to actually get himself to take a bite of the microwaved meal, it was cold. He forced himself to swallow the small bite of food before pushing the tray away, feeling like he'd throw up if he ate any more. It was disgusting, everything he ate was absolutely disgusting. His footsteps echoed as he walked through the dark, quiet apartment and made his way towards the bedroom. He crawled under the blankets, moving to lie on his side. When was the last time he'd properly eaten? Bathed? Or even left the apartment? He wasn't living anymore.
Youngjae was breathing but he wasn't alive. He refused to see anyone, even Himchan despite the older man's attempts to get him to open the door. He wouldn't, he refused, telling the older man to go away. It was cruel and it was wrong to do that to Himchan but in his mind – he was doing the right thing. If he disconnected with everyone in his life, maybe Daehyun would leave them alone. It made sense in his tired mind. He could still remember it perfectly, the look of horror on his friend's face when he'd seen the damage, and for the first time, he had witnessed Himchan lose his cool, threatening to find Jung Daehyun and kill him himself. It had taken Youngjae bursting into tears and begging him to please just lie back down in his hospital bed to finally get the older to calm down. He meant it, he was serious; Himchan wanted to kill Daehyun.
The bruises were faint and the cuts were healing but, he didn't feel any better. Every inch of him still ached in pain and he wasn't sure if it was physical or mental pain that was making him suffer so badly. Maybe, it was a mixture of both. He was tired but all he'd done recently was sleep. It never was a peaceful sleep either, his mind always taunting him with nightmares until he woke up screaming or crying. It was agony, pure agony. Youngjae stayed in bed for a while, his mind going completely blank as he stared at the dark ceiling before he finally sighed and decided to at least shower. Maybe it would make him feel better. Maybe, but probably not.
He fixed himself a warm bath, stripping off his clothing and climbing in. A soft sigh passed his lips as the warm water soothed his tired body, if only a little bit. Memories of the baths he'd taken with Daehyun replayed in his mind as he washed his hair. The gentleness, the soft kisses on the back of his neck and shoulders, the way the older would just holdhim until finally they'd move to the bedroom and make love.
Youngjae slid lower into the tub before finally pinching his nose and going under the water. He wanted to die, god, he wanted to die. He held his breath until his lungs ached; coming up from the water and gasping for air. The man pushed his wet hair out of his face, panting softly and wishing he could have just stayed under forever. He looked over towards the door hearing the floor boards creaking and his hand gripped the edge of the tub tightly as he waited and listened closer.
A minute passed.
Then another.