Lately I have found my own company really boring. Although, I have to say, I am the only person I never get sick of sleeping with. But is that all I have left with me? A quickie after a hard day? Don’t I have more to offer me?
I have always thought boredom was a sign of philosophical laziness. I should have the mental capacity and inner depth to find the beauty and wonder in even the most mundane. There is a cosmos inside my own mind with endless potential for ideas. If I feel bored that is my own mental weakness because the mere act of being alive is profound enough to keep me marveled for the rest of time.
Yet… I bore myself. Not all the time of course. Sometimes I am manic with inspiration and find myself to be fascinating. But then, I hit these dead spots, where everything feels forced, and contrived. Maybe that is part of the creative flow? A wave that arches? You have to come down to go back up again. Like a blowjob for the soul. I guess part of the process of how my mind comes to appreciate the world is to have moments where I appreciate nothing and think it everything sucks.
I think this feeling of dullness is why people are so obsessed with babies and dogs. Don’t you always wish you were a baby or a dog? They look so happy and content with everything. That is what I am searching for. Contentment. To not feel this constant searching. This seeking. There is something so freeing in finding the most basic thing, like someone coming home, joyful.
The young have such a capacity for finding entertainment in their own imaginations and brainpower. The other night The Munch played in the bath for 20 minutes by digging her fingernails into the bar soap and wiping the chunks on my arm. Just appreciating the tactile experience of it all. I envied how she lost herself in the repetition, and also was grateful for how clean my arm hair was getting. This type of activity is what the Buddhist monks told me was a meditative movement practice. Technically that is how we are supposed to do everything; mindfully, and with exact precision, fully aware of each moment. God that sounds so boring….