Was Cruise trying to beat out fellow Scientologist John Travolta for the honor of starring in the dumbest sci-fi epic ever? Thank heavens, he lost — nothing will ever be as shatteringly inane as the L. Ron Hubbard–based Battlefield Earth. But joining forces with the director of Tron: Legacy was like checking “d” on the form that said, “I want my space movies more (a) incoherent, (b) plodding, (c) migraine-inducing, or (d) all of the above.” Oblivion spins the same kind of paranoid futuristic fantasy as Battlefield Earth, in which a man must learn the true nature of his identity: that his body is but a temporary vessel, his soul immortal. Only then can he take on an evil empire of plundering anti-individualists from an unnamed planet that sounds like Xenu.