My mother did not work outside the home but she spent most of her day with my disabled grandmother who lived around the corner. My father travelled for work and was a workaholic who, for the most part, I saw only on weekends. So the central, most stable and visible adult presence in my life was Vi. Of course I knew who my mother was, but it was Vi who really did “mother’s work.”
This kind of set-up works just fine for many (probably most) kids but it didn’t work so well for me. It might, in fact, have worked wonderfully for my brother and sister. (I don’t know, we never discussed it.) But I felt, even at a young age, that I did not come “first” with my parents. I intuited that my grandmother and my father’s business were prioritized over me. I now believe that not feeling important, not feeling “first” to my parents, was not good for my emotional development and contributed to my being a shy, insecure, timid child. (I did grow out of most of it but, truthfully, some scars remain.) And because my parents were not around and Vi would threaten to leave if my sister and I were “fresh,” I was terrified of absolute abandonment.
When I had to decide about child care for my own children, I knew that I wanted to be the primary caregiver. I wanted my kids’ memories to be of me being with them–in the playground, at the lunch and dinner tables, at the bus stop, while playing in the bath. I was lucky I enjoyed, and could afford, being home full-time because I knew that leaving my children with someone else was not something I was at all comfortable with based on my own background.
Certainly, nannies, babysitters and daycare workers can be excellent caregivers. In some cases they may be better at it than a parent, especially one who is not comfortable being home all day with an irrational boss (the kid). I know that I was very lucky to have had the same efficient, affectionate caregiver during my entire childhood.