So I have been thinking about it for a long time... since I was a child. I was 16 years old when my mom died. The reason why I said, "I don't want to see me in my 50" was that I could not imagine myself to be older than my mom. Because... mommy should have been more than 30 years older than me. I had been thinking how it would be to be older than her. It's very strange to be older than your mother. Maybe I had always been afraid of it. I have never talked about it before, but I can be strong now.