“Old-school” parenting and teaching are often distinguished by a failure to understand what children are capable of doing or understanding, or to provide the support they need and the respect they deserve. But does that mean kids are being underestimated — or overestimated? The answer is less straightforward, and more interesting, than you might think.
Let’s back up for a minute. My premise is that it makes sense to adopt what might be called a “working with” — as opposed to a “doing to” — approach with children. That means relying on love and reason, seeing kids as more than bundles of behaviors to be managed and manipulated, and treating troublesome actions as problems to be solved (or, if you like, teachable moments) rather than as infractions to be punished.
Traditionalists, however, raise this objection: Because young children aren’t yet able to reason or understand long-term consequences, we need to tell them what to do and employ rewards or punishments to make sure they’re properly socialized. In effect, children’s developmental limitations are invoked to justify a “doing to” prescription. But the irony here is that many developmental psychologists and educators with a keen understanding of how kids’ capabilities change as they grow tend to reject that prescription.