New Questioner: What you said was very helpful, that there is a difference between what and how. I have a meeting coming up with a colleague, and our relating causes some resistance in me. I was the whole time thinking, “What do I say? What do I say?” So when you say to look more at the “how,” that changes the whole pressure of having a result coming out. It is more of setting the flavor and the intention for the whole interaction, the whole conversation
Gil: Beautiful! So you can be in an intense conflict with someone—real conflict, real disagreement. But if you focus on how you are with them rather than the outcome or on what is supposed to happen, then perhaps you can be happily in conflict for a long time (audience laughter). As good friends you can agree to disagree, depending on your situation. For example, one small thing I have learned is that, often in conflict, one of the “hows” that is really useful, is listening to the other person well. And if the person feels really listened to and heard, that can make a huge difference in resolving the difficulty. Being a listener is in the category of how, rather than what is supposed to happen or an outcome. The idea that the goal should be reflecting the means has both qualities of the result in the practice, but you are not waiting for the result that is far in the future. You are finding the result that can be found here and now.
New Questioner: What you said was very helpful, that there is a difference between what and how. I have a meeting coming up with a colleague, and our relating causes some resistance in me. I was the whole time thinking, “What do I say? What do I say?” So when you say to look more at the “how,” that changes the whole pressure of having a result coming out. It is more of setting the flavor and the intention for the whole interaction, the whole conversationGil: Beautiful! So you can be in an intense conflict with someone—real conflict, real disagreement. But if you focus on how you are with them rather than the outcome or on what is supposed to happen, then perhaps you can be happily in conflict for a long time (audience laughter). As good friends you can agree to disagree, depending on your situation. For example, one small thing I have learned is that, often in conflict, one of the “hows” that is really useful, is listening to the other person well. And if the person feels really listened to and heard, that can make a huge difference in resolving the difficulty. Being a listener is in the category of how, rather than what is supposed to happen or an outcome. The idea that the goal should be reflecting the means has both qualities of the result in the practice, but you are not waiting for the result that is far in the future. You are finding the result that can be found here and now.
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