DEAR SIR:— Well, I called on good-natured, garrulous old Simon Wheeler, and I inquired after
your friend Leonidas W. Smily, as you requested me to do, and I hereunto append the result. If
you can get any information out of it you are cordially welcome to it. I have a lurking suspicion
that your Leonidas W. Smily is a myth—that you never knew such a personage, and that you only
conjectured that if I asked old Wheeler about him it would remind him of his infamous Jim
Smily, and he would go to work and bore me nearly to death with some infernal reminiscence of
him as long and tedious as it should be useless to me. If that was your design, Mr. Ward, it will
gratify you to know that it succeeded. I found Simon Wheeler dozing comfortably by the barroom
stove of the little old dilapidated tavern in the ancient mining camp of Boomerang, and I noticed
that he was fat and bald-headed, and had an expression of winning gentleness and simplicity upon
his tranquil countenance. He roused up and gave me good-day. I told him a friend of mine had
commissioned me to make some inquiries about a cherished companion of his boyhood named
Leonidas W. Smily—Rev. Leonidas W. Smily—a young minister of the gospel, who he had
heard was at one time a resident of this village of Boomerang. I added that if Mr. Wheeler could
tell me anything about this Rev. Leonidas W. Smily, I would feel under many obligations to him.
Simon Wheeler backed me into a corner and blockaded me there with his chair—and then sat
down and reeled off the monotonous narrative which follows this paragraph. He never smiled, he
never frowned, he never changed his voice from the quiet, gently-flowing key to which he turned
the initial sentence, he never betrayed the slightest suspicion of enthusiasm—but all through the
interminable narrative there ran a vein of impressive earnestness and sincerity, which showed me
plainly that so far from his imagining that there was anything ridiculous or funny about his story,
he regarded it as a really important matter, and admired its two heroes as men of transcendent
genius in finesse. To me, the spectacle of a man drifting serenely along through such a queer yarn
without ever smiling was exquisitely absurd. As I said before, I asked him to tell me what he
knew of Rev. Leonidas W. Smily, and he replied as follows. I let him go on in his own way, and
never interrupted him once: There was a feller here once by the name of Jim Smily, in the winter
of ’49—or maybe it was the spring of ’50—I don’t recollect exactly, somehow, though what
makes me think it was one or the other is because I remember the big flume wasn’t finished when
I found Simon Wheeler dozing comfortably by the bar-room stove of the old, dilapidated tavern in the ancient mining camp of Angel’s, and I noticed that he was fat and bald-headed, and had an expression of winning gentleness and simplicity upon his tranquil countenance. He roused up and gave me good-day. I told him a friend of mine had commissioned me to make some inquiries about a cherished companion of his boyhood named Leonidas W. Smiley–Rev. Leonidas W. Smiley–a young minister of the Gospel, who he had heard was at one time a resident of Angel’s Camp. I added that, if Mr. Wheeler could tell me any thing about this Rev. Leonidas W. Smiley, I would feel under many obligations to him.
Simon Wheeler backed me into a corner and blockaded me there with his chair, and then sat me down and reeled off the monotonous narrative which follows this paragraph. He never smiled, he never frowned, he never changed his voice from the gentle-flowing key to which he tuned the initial sentence, he never betrayed the slightest suspicion of enthusiasm; but all through the interminable narrative there ran a vein of impressive earnestness and sincerity, which showed me plainly that, so far from his imagining that there was any thing ridiculous or funny about his story, he regarded it as a really important matter, and admired its two heroes as men of transcendent genius in finesse. To me, the spectacle of a man drifting serenely along through such a queer yarn without ever smiling, was exquisitely absurd. As I said before, I asked him to tell me what he knew of Rev. Leonidas W. Smiley, and he replied as follows. I let him go on in his own way, and never interrupted him once:
There was a feller here once by the name of Jim Smiley, in the winter of ‘49–or maybe it was the spring of ‘50–I don’t recollect exactly, somehow, though what makes me think it was one or the other is because I remember the big flume wasn’t finished when he first came to the camp; but any way, he was the curiosest man about always betting on any thing that turned up you ever see, if he could get any body to bet on the other side; and if he couldn’t, he’d change sides. Any way that suited the other man would suit him–any way just so’s he got a bet, he was satisfied. But still he was lucky, uncommon lucky; he most always come out winner. He was always ready and laying for a chance; there couldn’t be no solitry thing mentioned but that feller’d offer to bet on it, and take any side you please, as I was just telling you. If there was a horse-race, you’d find him flush, or you’d find him busted at the end of it; if there was a dog-fight, he’d bet on it; if there was a cat-fight, he’d bet on it; if there was a chicken-fight, he’d bet on it; why, if there was two birds setting on a fence, he would bet you which one would fly first; or if there was a camp-meeting, he would be there reg’lar, to bet on Parson Walker, which he judged to be the best exhorter about here, and so he was, too, and a good man. If he even seen a straddle-bug start to go anywheres, he would bet you how long it would take him to get wherever he was going to, and if you took him up, he would foller that straddle-bug to Mexico but what he would find out where he was bound for and how long he was on the road. Lots of the boys here has seen that Smiley, and can tell you about him. Why, it never made no difference to him–he would bet on any thing–the dangdest feller. Parson Walker’s wife laid very sick once, for a good while, and it seemed as if they warn’t going to save her; but one morning he come in, and Smiley asked how she was, and he said she was considerable better–thank the Lord for his inf’nit mercy–and coming on so smart that, with the blessing of Prov’dence, she’d get well yet; and Smiley, before he thought, says, “Well, I’ll risk two-and-a-half that she don’t, any way.”
Thish-yer Smiley had a mare–the boys called her the fifteen-minute nag, but that was only in fun, you know, because, of course, she was faster than that–and he used to win money on that horse, for all she was so slow and always had the asthma, or the distemper, or the consumption, or something of that kind. They used to give her two or three hundred yards start, and then pass her under way; but always at the fag-end of the race she’d get excited and desperate-like, and come cavorting and straddling up, and scattering her legs around limber, sometimes in the air, and sometimes out to one side amongst the fences, and kicking up m-o-r-e dust, and raising m-o-r-e racket with her coughing and sneezing and blowing her nose–and always fetch up at the stand just about a neck ahead, as near as you could cipher it down.
DEAR SIR:— Well, I called on good-natured, garrulous old Simon Wheeler, and I inquired afteryour friend Leonidas W. Smily, as you requested me to do, and I hereunto append the result. Ifyou can get any information out of it you are cordially welcome to it. I have a lurking suspicionthat your Leonidas W. Smily is a myth—that you never knew such a personage, and that you onlyconjectured that if I asked old Wheeler about him it would remind him of his infamous JimSmily, and he would go to work and bore me nearly to death with some infernal reminiscence ofhim as long and tedious as it should be useless to me. If that was your design, Mr. Ward, it willgratify you to know that it succeeded. I found Simon Wheeler dozing comfortably by the barroomstove of the little old dilapidated tavern in the ancient mining camp of Boomerang, and I noticedthat he was fat and bald-headed, and had an expression of winning gentleness and simplicity uponhis tranquil countenance. He roused up and gave me good-day. I told him a friend of mine hadcommissioned me to make some inquiries about a cherished companion of his boyhood namedLeonidas W. Smily—Rev. Leonidas W. Smily—a young minister of the gospel, who he hadheard was at one time a resident of this village of Boomerang. I added that if Mr. Wheeler couldtell me anything about this Rev. Leonidas W. Smily, I would feel under many obligations to him.Simon Wheeler backed me into a corner and blockaded me there with his chair—and then satdown and reeled off the monotonous narrative which follows this paragraph. He never smiled, henever frowned, he never changed his voice from the quiet, gently-flowing key to which he turnedthe initial sentence, he never betrayed the slightest suspicion of enthusiasm—but all through theinterminable narrative there ran a vein of impressive earnestness and sincerity, which showed meplainly that so far from his imagining that there was anything ridiculous or funny about his story,he regarded it as a really important matter, and admired its two heroes as men of transcendentgenius in finesse. To me, the spectacle of a man drifting serenely along through such a queer yarnwithout ever smiling was exquisitely absurd. As I said before, I asked him to tell me what heknew of Rev. Leonidas W. Smily, and he replied as follows. I let him go on in his own way, andnever interrupted him once: There was a feller here once by the name of Jim Smily, in the winterof ’49—or maybe it was the spring of ’50—I don’t recollect exactly, somehow, though whatmakes me think it was one or the other is because I remember the big flume wasn’t finished when I found Simon Wheeler dozing comfortably by the bar-room stove of the old, dilapidated tavern in the ancient mining camp of Angel’s, and I noticed that he was fat and bald-headed, and had an expression of winning gentleness and simplicity upon his tranquil countenance. He roused up and gave me good-day. I told him a friend of mine had commissioned me to make some inquiries about a cherished companion of his boyhood named Leonidas W. Smiley–Rev. Leonidas W. Smiley–a young minister of the Gospel, who he had heard was at one time a resident of Angel’s Camp. I added that, if Mr. Wheeler could tell me any thing about this Rev. Leonidas W. Smiley, I would feel under many obligations to him.Simon Wheeler backed me into a corner and blockaded me there with his chair, and then sat me down and reeled off the monotonous narrative which follows this paragraph. He never smiled, he never frowned, he never changed his voice from the gentle-flowing key to which he tuned the initial sentence, he never betrayed the slightest suspicion of enthusiasm; but all through the interminable narrative there ran a vein of impressive earnestness and sincerity, which showed me plainly that, so far from his imagining that there was any thing ridiculous or funny about his story, he regarded it as a really important matter, and admired its two heroes as men of transcendent genius in finesse. To me, the spectacle of a man drifting serenely along through such a queer yarn without ever smiling, was exquisitely absurd. As I said before, I asked him to tell me what he knew of Rev. Leonidas W. Smiley, and he replied as follows. I let him go on in his own way, and never interrupted him once:There was a feller here once by the name of Jim Smiley, in the winter of ‘49–or maybe it was the spring of ‘50–I don’t recollect exactly, somehow, though what makes me think it was one or the other is because I remember the big flume wasn’t finished when he first came to the camp; but any way, he was the curiosest man about always betting on any thing that turned up you ever see, if he could get any body to bet on the other side; and if he couldn’t, he’d change sides. Any way that suited the other man would suit him–any way just so’s he got a bet, he was satisfied. But still he was lucky, uncommon lucky; he most always come out winner. He was always ready and laying for a chance; there couldn’t be no solitry thing mentioned but that feller’d offer to bet on it, and take any side you please, as I was just telling you. If there was a horse-race, you’d find him flush, or you’d find him busted at the end of it; if there was a dog-fight, he’d bet on it; if there was a cat-fight, he’d bet on it; if there was a chicken-fight, he’d bet on it; why, if there was two birds setting on a fence, he would bet you which one would fly first; or if there was a camp-meeting, he would be there reg’lar, to bet on Parson Walker, which he judged to be the best exhorter about here, and so he was, too, and a good man. If he even seen a straddle-bug start to go anywheres, he would bet you how long it would take him to get wherever he was going to, and if you took him up, he would foller that straddle-bug to Mexico but what he would find out where he was bound for and how long he was on the road. Lots of the boys here has seen that Smiley, and can tell you about him. Why, it never made no difference to him–he would bet on any thing–the dangdest feller. Parson Walker’s wife laid very sick once, for a good while, and it seemed as if they warn’t going to save her; but one morning he come in, and Smiley asked how she was, and he said she was considerable better–thank the Lord for his inf’nit mercy–and coming on so smart that, with the blessing of Prov’dence, she’d get well yet; and Smiley, before he thought, says, “Well, I’ll risk two-and-a-half that she don’t, any way.”Thish-yer Smiley had a mare–the boys called her the fifteen-minute nag, but that was only in fun, you know, because, of course, she was faster than that–and he used to win money on that horse, for all she was so slow and always had the asthma, or the distemper, or the consumption, or something of that kind. They used to give her two or three hundred yards start, and then pass her under way; but always at the fag-end of the race she’d get excited and desperate-like, and come cavorting and straddling up, and scattering her legs around limber, sometimes in the air, and sometimes out to one side amongst the fences, and kicking up m-o-r-e dust, and raising m-o-r-e racket with her coughing and sneezing and blowing her nose–and always fetch up at the stand just about a neck ahead, as near as you could cipher it down.
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