Amelia Diamond | JUNE 3, 2016
AND MAN ARE THEY SANDY!
HELLO AND WELCOME TO THE SEASON YOU’VE BEEN WAITING ALL YEAR FOR. Summer! A heads up: the planets are being a little funky. They may have you feeling down in the dumps and out of cash. This sounds like a classic case of the Summer-Weekend-Heightened-Scaries to me, but Astrology Zone’s Susan Miller is blaming it on — what else — the planets. The good news is that planets, like summer loves, rotate on a consistent basis, which means you, my stars, are going to get over the slump faster than the entire A$AP Mob.
Shall we?
Gemini
Happy birthday and how glad are you that “twinning” is no longer a thing?! Sorry if I just made it one again but just because it’s your womb-exit month doesn’t mean you get to have your cake and eat it, too…or DOES IT?
Who am I kidding? In the words of Oh, Suzanna Miller, this month is made for you.
But first, the annoying news: per the above, Saturn is being a butt itch minus the “utt,” and it’s going to make the first few days of June kind of miz. “Saturn is reminding you of the seriousness of the actions you are taking now,” said Susan. Sounds like something a mother who speaks in the third person when she’s angry would say to her kid having a tantrum at the supermarket. You may feel super down — weighed down either by a total meanie or an empty wallet (why are those so heavy), but as your dad likely says when you complain about an air bubble in your stomach, this too shall pass.
So let’s cheer up and talk about the good stuff. If you can wait until the 26th, you’ll start feeling rich again. Financially. Love-wise it’s going to happen a lot sooner. You’ve got Venus the planet not the razor on your side until the 17th, but Thriller’s favorite day for love (and friendship and luck) is Margarita Monday the 13th. Uranus, the planet of surprise, will be angled to the sun in such a way that it sparkles like Edward Cullen’s ass. Girl, what gas?
Cancer
Look, it is not your birthday but it is very much your time of year as far as eating zodiac signs are concerned, and since you’re not like a regular crab, you’re a celestial crab, I’m sure you’ll have no qualms about eating your kind with some Old Bay seasoning or celery and mayo. Unless you’re allergic.
Anywho! Beginning of June’s gonna suck; suck it up. The middle of June went largely unmentioned in your Astrology Zone ‘scope so we can assume that no news is good Suz. A lot of the horoscope report focuses on how great/cool/awesome your July and August are going to be (yeah, obviously, because that’s when your boss goes on vacation and the water starts being warm enough to get in it without dying and you’ve hit that summer stride where you’re like CARBS R LYFE DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO.
Can you guys ever tell that sometimes I write your horoscopes whilst feeling the burgeoning whispers of a hunger pang?
IF you can hang on until the end of June, and you can because that’s why rosé and Bachelorette roses were invented, then by the 17th you’ll start to feel the burgeoning whispers of something, too. Love. Other good things happening end-of-June: the 25th and 26th are great dates to spend money on shoes ($ale-mnly wear) and they’ll be good for actual dates (also swear) AND, apparently, something you planted back in November and March of last year is finally starting to grow. A beard?!?!?!
Who knows!
Leo
You are a perfect horoscope the end, bye.
lion-gif-animation-15
Just kidding, cat-dog — Susan was super balanced with your sign for once. You, like allll the rest of us, are going to have a weird Kickstarter to June (you may be annoyed with friends; work may bog you down), but also like the rest of us, it’s going to get funded just in the nick of time. In fact, after the first full week passes things will start looking up.
Those friends who were bugging you? Not gonna be a problem come week number two. By the 20th, you’ll be a full-on party animal. You’re gonna wanna travel, and you’re definitely gonna wanna dance.
We’ve got a full moon on the 20th that’s going to encourage the zit of some major decision you’ve been squeezing to finally pop. High chance it revolves around a romantic relationship (nothing says love like a pimple metaphor, right?). Also high chance it revolves around children. Open that one all the way up for interpretation as you, your womb and your creativity see fit.
Want to know the last three words of your ‘scope that Susan wrote as it pertains to June 26th and 27th? “[B]ig money. Wonderful!” Wonderful, indeed. But don’t thank me. Thank the planets Pluto and Jupiter.
See? Rain isn’t so bad after all, is it kitten? At least not when it’s green and smells like money.
Virgo
We’ve got a real Eeyore start to the month thanks to a soggy Saturn opposing the damn sun. Planets love the drama but you don’t, so let’s fast-forward as though you’re only watching Southern Charm for the architecture and commercials.
The new moon in Gemini is doing something super n