I don’t know if it’s harder for us men to learn this one, but I
find it tough. Whenever anyone has a problem, I want to rush
off and do something. Doesn’t really matter what, just so long
as I am doing something, anything.
In actual fact, what is often required of me is that I sit down
and listen. I am not being told my wife’s troubles and problems
just so I can be all macho and rescue her or leap to her
defense or single-handedly take on the world for her (in fact,
be a hero). What is needed is a sympathetic ear, a shoulder
perhaps to cry on, an “Oh, that must be awful for you” sort of
response, a counselor’s approach, and a full and rapt attention
with eye contact. That’s the tricky bit. As soon as I’ve heard
the problem, I’ve switched off, or rather I’ve switched to working
out what the solution must be.
But for me, when I have a problem I don’t want to hear sympathetic
noises and encouraging sounds. I don’t want a heart
space where I can share. I just want a solution, an offer of
help, an extra pair of hands, a stout length of rope, and a
screwdriver.*
But then all my problems are object related and need practical
solutions—a guy’s sort of thing. All the problems that I find
the hardest to just listen to are person related and need a completely
different approach. Knowing when to listen and when
to act is an extremely useful skill to develop. I still constantly
need to sit on my hands though to stop someone sharing
I don’t know if it’s harder for us men to learn this one, but I
find it tough. Whenever anyone has a problem, I want to rush
off and do something. Doesn’t really matter what, just so long
as I am doing something, anything.
In actual fact, what is often required of me is that I sit down
and listen. I am not being told my wife’s troubles and problems
just so I can be all macho and rescue her or leap to her
defense or single-handedly take on the world for her (in fact,
be a hero). What is needed is a sympathetic ear, a shoulder
perhaps to cry on, an “Oh, that must be awful for you” sort of
response, a counselor’s approach, and a full and rapt attention
with eye contact. That’s the tricky bit. As soon as I’ve heard
the problem, I’ve switched off, or rather I’ve switched to working
out what the solution must be.
But for me, when I have a problem I don’t want to hear sympathetic
noises and encouraging sounds. I don’t want a heart
space where I can share. I just want a solution, an offer of
help, an extra pair of hands, a stout length of rope, and a
screwdriver.*
But then all my problems are object related and need practical
solutions—a guy’s sort of thing. All the problems that I find
the hardest to just listen to are person related and need a completely
different approach. Knowing when to listen and when
to act is an extremely useful skill to develop. I still constantly
need to sit on my hands though to stop someone sharing