Back when I was sixteen, wayyy back in 2001, I got my first computer with insurance money after my dad passed away. I love attention so I got involved with acting websites, mostly amateur voice acting stuff. They were boards populated by similar young teens - often younger - who just wanted to voice their favorite anime character. I used the attention I got by being quick-witted to also be mean, belittling kids I didn’t know from around the world for their “shitty anime avatars” or what have you. If it all sounds petty and small, then rest assured that I agree!
I was involved with every bit of message board drama in the community from 2001-2007ish. I was a major member, given moderator status through sheer force of will and then I would abuse my power to pick on people I thought were idiots. I would fight with the administrators just because I knew it made them mad. After about a decade of being known as an “intelligent jerk” or a “funny asshole,” I think there came a confluence of things that made me want to reform - is that even the word? It sounds so silly, but I mean I probably really hurt some peoples’ feelings somewhere along the line and that sucks. The things that made me change were:
1. I was growing older. I was in my early twenties. I wanted to go to college, which my family couldn’t afford. I had made lots of true friends via those circles who I’m still friends with today fifteen years later - they knew the real me, an incredibly polite nice guy who liked to use what was essentially a character online to cut loose and get attention. But I had friends, I was losing interest in voice acting and was there mostly for the people I liked and to troll those I didn’t know. I was, frankly, too old for that shit - but then, so I was at sixteen.
2. I knew what I wanted next. I wanted to go to school and become a teacher. I never did a good job of hiding my identity, so I figured if some enterprising student did their due diligence and found my old history I’d rather them see a good example rather than what I was. I’ve been a teacher for two years now and no one has found that old stuff, but hopefully I can use it as a teachable moment when it does happen.
3. I didn’t like what I was. “Intelligent jerk” and “funny asshole” were sentiments from friends. Who the hell wants to be known as a jerk and an asshole? It’s not that I no longer enjoyed attention, but with age came the knowledge that I can be intelligent and funny without being an assjerk.
Today I am still a moderator, in name only, at one of those communities. I’m still friends with so many from that place, many of which are professional VAs now. Now, though, I’m turning 30 and people know me for how I truly am and no little kids have to cry. I feel better about myself. If I were to die today and someone were to check my internet history (because, come on, that’s totally what you do to a friend who has just died) then I’d be more than okay with what they saw there today rather than if it had been fifteen years earlier. I’m not proud of how I was, but slowly, over time, I think anyone who is a “troll” eventually figures out that life under the bridge kinda sucks.