“I am married to a man with Aspergers. I must say this has been the biggest challenge in my entire life. Although I do love my husband dearly, I am finding myself slipping into feelings of resentment quite often. What advice would you have for a couple that is experiencing marital problems due to the fact that one partner’s brain is wired differently?”
Here are some facts about adults with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism that neurotypical (non-Aspergers) spouses need to understand:
A person with Aspergers has challenges understanding or predicting the consequences of his/her behavior on others. Therefore, the Aspergers spouse may see the neurotypical spouse as irrational or illogical.
Aspergers adults, because they have a hard time separating boundaries at times, may hear criticism of a family member (e.g., father, mother, sibling) as a criticism of them, and they likely will not be willing to tolerate it.
Aspergers men in particular may find conflict almost intolerable. They may hear a difference of opinion or an attempt to explain a different perspective about a situation as conflict or a criticism of who they are.
Neurotypical women especially tend to want their spouse to understand them and their feelings. However, they need to realize that this is something they may not be able to get from their Aspergers spouse. Some change may be possible, but the neurotypical spouse may need to adjust his/her expectation, and find other places for support without being unrealistic about what they expect from their Aspergers spouse.
The most basic elements of speaking and hearing are the most important issues that the Aspergers-Neurotypical couples may have. Aspies often have a very difficult time hearing negative emotions expressed by their spouse. They may refuse to communicate, but then end up lashing-out in a very hurtful way later on.
So what can Aspergers-Neurotypical partners do to maintain their relationship. Here are some important tips:
Both spouses must make a serious commitment to making the relationship work. However, the neurotypical partner is going to have to understand that it will feel to them that they are the party making more accommodations. Even if the Aspie accepts and understands their diagnosis, the truth is that your brains are wired differently. As a neurotypical partner, you will need to shift from "what is wrong" about your spouse and the relationship, to "what is right." You will need to build on the strengths, and value the differences, versus seeing your spouse as insensitive and uncaring.
Both spouses need to have an in-depth understanding of Aspergers and how marital relationships are affected.
Conflict is normal, even healthy. Differences between you mean that there are things you can learn from each other. Often conflict shows us where we can or need to grow.
Couples often derail a resolution when they try to acknowledge the other spouse's position, but then add a "but" in their next breath and reaffirm their position (e.g., “I can understand why you didn't pick up the dishes in the family room, but why do you think I'm the maid?”).
Defending yourself, whether by vehemently protesting your innocence or rightness or by turning the tables and attacking, escalates the fight. Instead of upping the ante, ask for more information, details, and examples. There is usually some basis for the other person’s complaint. When you meet a complaint with curiosity, you make room for understanding.
Develop the self-discipline to set limits on your anger and your behavior. If either of you resort to physical force and violence in your relationship, seek professional help. Acting out your anger in aggressive ways violates the other person’s boundaries and sense of safety. Each of us has a right to be safe and free of abuse or physical danger in our relationships.
Fighting ends when cooperation begins. Asking politely for suggestions or alternatives invites collaboration. Careful consideration of options shows respect. Offering alternatives of your own shows that you also are willing to try something new.
For both “neurotypicals” and “Aspies”: Become students of each other's culture. Pretend that you are learning a new language from a new country. If you are an Aspie, remember that, in many ways, your spouse is from another planet, the neurotypical planet. And if you are a neurotypical, remember that your Aspergers spouse is from the Aspergers planet. Celebrate the diversity and the differences.
For the Aspergers partner, reconsider your perception of your spouse and of yourself. Consider that, because of the differences in the way your brain works, a lot of what your spouse is telling you about your role in problems is probably right.
For the neurotypical partner, shift your focus from what you are not getting from your Aspergers spouse to see and value the strengths he or she brings to the relationship.
Forget that adage about always resolving anger before going to bed