The 10 Rules of Cinema Club (don't talk about them though)
1. The Fundamental Basic Rule
No talking once the movie has started. Imagine you've got a Lecter mask on. I want it so quiet in there you can hear lambs screaming in the distance. So no leaning in and pointing out an actor you like, or informing me that you 'love this song'. No tutting about bits you don't like or sighing at historical inaccuracies. If there is a fire, just quietly shout 'fire', get up from your seat and run from the burning building. I will follow in due course.
2. The Glasses Issue
My eyesight prescription is -7.5. Yes, I am nearly blind. This means I wear lenses, but if I did have to wear my Thelma style glasses into the movie house, needless to say they'd be on my face from the very beginning. For those of you who feel the need to wear glasses that aren't actually even glasses - they're just bits of plastic really - I have a few things to say to you. Number one - do you really need to wear them to see the screen, or are you just putting them on to look intelligent? Number two - if you do really need to wear them, then put them on as soon as you've sat down, and not as an afterthought 3 minutes into the movie, when you're obviously so blind you can't find them in your really noisy bag. Number three - you can see without your glasses, can't you? Admit it.
3. Incontinence Problems
Why do you need a wee half way through the film? Hitchcock once said that the length of a movie should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder. And he definitely didn't say, oh, but you must buy a drink the size of a small dog, drink it all really quickly, and then get up during an important bit in the movie (all bits are important) and clamber over everybody in your aisle. Seriously, you can hold it. Unless you've got a medical condition.
4. Popcorn
Some movies are popcorn movies, I get it. I can just about cope with it, although how anyone in their right mind thinks they can ever eat it quietly is beyond my comprehension. Something to remember, popcorn fools - it's actually better to eat it quickly. Attempting to eat it slowly makes you sound like you're moving and chomping in Dolby stereo. So please, if you really have to buy your over-priced bucket of sweet air, then eat it fast and furious, and be done with it.
5. Nachos
No excuse for them. Ever. You're in a cinema, not a Mexican restaurant.
6. Dress Code
When you leave the house to go to the cinema, please take a moment to check what you're wearing. Have you got trousers on that rustle every time you cross your legs? Are you wearing a smelly leather jacket? Do you have a hat on? Is your hair big? If the answer is yes to any of these questions, then go back inside and change immediately.
7. Laughing at adverts
For some reason, in the dark safety of Screen 7, seemingly terrible adverts are funny to you. Things you would never laugh at in the cold light of day are acceptable to chuckle at. Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong wrong. Laughing uproariously at the Orange adverts does not mean you get the joke. It means you are the joke.
8. Seating arrangements
Unless you're in a packed screening on a Friday night, there is really no reason for anyone to have to sit next to anyone else (unless you're James Franco, then please, have a seat). But if you are in a packed screening on a Friday night, you'd be better not be sitting next to me with your popcorn, big hair and glasses.
9. Late Arrivals
I can cope with people who want to miss the trailers. It's your loss. But arriving 15 minutes into the film? Unacceptable. Would you arrive 15 minutes late to your own funeral? No. So don't do it in the cinema.
10. Mobile Phones
I saved this one until last because really, this JUST GOES WITHOUT SAYING. There's no excuse, is there? We're all so obsessed with our phones these days, it's not like you can say 'oh, I forgot I had one'. Hey, they've even got ways you can put them on silent these days! Amazing but true. Also, any particular reason why you feel the need to check the time on it, blasting my peripheral vision with a light that blinds me?