TF: So dismissing how you feel can have dangerous consequences.
JW: Yes. And if the ethos of a spiritual organization leads to dismissing your
feelings or relational needs, this can lead to big communication problems, to say
the very least. It’s also not a great setup for a marriage if one or both partners is
dismissive of emotional needs. So not surprisingly, Buddhist organizations and
marriages often turn out to be just as dysfunctional interpersonally as
nonbuddhist ones. Marshall Rosenberg teaches that honestly and openly
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expressing and listening to feelings and needs forms the basis for a nonviolent
resolution of interpersonal conflicts, and I would agree with him.
From my perspective as an existential psychologist, feeling is a form of
intelligence. It’s the body’s direct, holistic, intuitive way of knowing and
responding. It is highly attuned and intelligent. And it takes account of many
factors all at once, unlike our conceptual mind, which can only process one thing
at a time. Unlike emotionality, which is a reactivity that is directed outward,
feeling often helps you contact deep inner truths. Unfortunately, traditional
Buddhism doesn’t make a clear distinction between feeling and emotion, so they
tend to be lumped together as something samsaric to overcome.