EXERCISE 11: Add Specificity to General Statements
In the following example, rewrite the text by adding numbers or statistics.
Read the explanatory paragraph, and then revise to add specificity.
Harriet, president of a floral supply company, wants to send an E-mail
to motivate her employees to do their best work despite gloomy economic
conditions. Six months ago, all associates in her company had their pay cut
by 5 percent; managers had their pay cut by 15 percent. Although business
is still down, Harriet wants to report a slight upswing in advance orders,
which she hopes is the first glimmer of a full recovery. Three new customers
have placed orders in the past month. If the trend continues, she anticipates
that the company will be able to reinstate pay soon—perhaps as soon as the
next quarter.
She is concerned, however, because customer complaints have risen. More
than twenty complaints came in during the last quarter. That’s nearly
double the previous quarter and 40 percent higher than a year ago. Harriet
is concerned that employees are slacking off. She wants them to know the
future of the company, and thus their jobs, is directly tied to providing excellent
customer service and if they slack off, customers will go elsewhere.
Here’s Harriet’s first draft: