We live in a world filled with
feedback devices. Some feedback
devices are “coupled,” that is, the
system automatically responds to
feedback signals by making
changes. A thermostat is one
familiar example of this. However,
many feedback devices merely
provide us with information. Is then
up to us to interpret that
information and to decide how we
want to use it.
“Uncoupled” feedback sources
include such things as bathroom
scales, fuel gauges, mirrors, tape
recorders. Still others include ways
in which people behave toward us –
what they say and don’t say, do and
don’t do, how they look, sound, etc.
These “uncoupled” indicators may
be either unused or misused by us –
particularly when our interpretation
of the data is colored by our hopes,
fears, needs, and desires.
When I’m driving, for example, I
have a number of devices feeding
back to me information about my
car: its speed, engine temperature,
oil pressure, fuel level. But I must
interpret what that information
“means” and make decisions as to
what I want to do with it. I may, for
example, note that the fuel gauge
needle is low, but choose to ignore
it for a while; or I may convince
myself that it’s broken; or I may play
a game with it, to see how far I can
go before I heed the information and
pull into a gas station. I’m not likely
to cover the gauge up because it
threatens or offends me; nor am I
likely to wrench the needle from the
“E” to the “F” (thereby magically
filling the tank!)
Similarly with a bathroom scale: if I
think I’m not going to like what it
tells me, I may not get on it at all.
Or, if I’m dieting, I may weigh myself
continuously and risk stressing
myself out of any chance of staying
with the diet. Or, I may convince
myself that it “weighs heavy.”
Mirrors? I can avoid them, except
when I’m “feeling thin” or “nicely
rounded.” And I know full well,
when I listen to myself on tape, that
“that doesn’t sound like me.”
Similarly, with the feedback we get
from people with whom we interact:
we can play games with it, refuse to
believe it, misinterpret it, etc. Most
of us have, at one time or another,
tried to cover up the “negative
feedback” gauge (“I don’t want to
talk about it!”) or to wrench the
pointer from “empty” to “full’
(you’re just upset with me; it’s
nowhere near as bad as you say it
is.”) or we choose to ignore it. Many
of these behaviors can be grouped
under the general heading of
“defensiveness;” denying,
explaining, justifying, fighting,
surrendering – everything but
dealing with the feedback as
information that may have great
value to us if we can let it in and
effectively use it.