Good morning, ON. How did you get up this morning? Did you get up peacefully? Did you have a good dream? Yesterday was a holiday for you. I think you got refreshed and you can work well today, can't you? This is Friday, so I guess you will have many customers.
Thank you very much for telling me that you will share my loneliness. I really really appreciate that you say so. I am very very happy to hear your truly considerate words. In a sense, this lonliness came from my decision. When my wife passed away, I am the person who decided to be alone. When she passed away, I was in the United States on business. In addition to that, it was the time when the explosion of the World Trade Center happened. Because of this, I could not move. I could not take a plane. All airplanes were cancelled. I could not go back to my country on the date when I happend to know she passed away. When I finally came back to my country, everything about her things including death ceremonies or something like that were over. This was "shikatagana" as I explained in my last email. But the thing was so much serious that nobody except me could not think in that way. In my mind, I had a sense that I caused her death. I don't know how her relatives took her death. In an unconscious mind of mine, her death was induced by me. Honestly speaking, I have never told this kind of stroy so far, ON. I decided to keep everything about her in my mind forever, not to tell it to anyone on the time when she passed away. She had been suffering from kind of neurosis for many years. It started when we went to the United States for the first time. When I looked back at those days, she must have hesitated to go to the United States. I was given a special grant from the United States. That was a great honor, a very special honor FOR ME, I can say right now that it was JUST FOR ME. I was very happy but I thought and think that she was not happy about going to the United States. Finally we went there together. I am very much afraid that I forced her to go to the United States with me. I think this visit caused her disease. We stayed there for one year and came back. Then again several years later, I got the next different grant from my currently working institution. Again I hesitated to take her to the States because I was worried that she would have the same disease again. But finally, we went there together. Unfortunately, my concerned got realized and she got the same disease again. After coming back to Japan, she intermittently showed the symptom of the disease. In short, she decided to go back to her hometown to live by herself. So when she passed away, we did not live together. She lived in her hometown, Nagasaki. The story is more complicated but her death came in this kind of process. Before her death, as a document about our relationship, we were not a couple when she passed away. She wanted to be away from me. It was "shikatagai" for me. I could not help do any other things. All I could do is just to follow her decision.
In this way, I decided to live alone, never to get anyone as a partner. I told me that I would enjoy living alone. That's why I decided to buy a condo. That's why I decided to travel the world. That's why I worked hard. I always wanted to say to myself, "You are alone and you decided to be alone. You are the person who chose loneliness. You have to be responsible to your decision. Don't complain of it at all, just do it, just be alone." So I have never complained to me my lonely condition and my lonely reality. I always encourage myself saying that "you are alone, you live youreself, you are the only person who takes care of yourself, you have to do everything yourself, don't complain of it." I have been in a sense enjoying my loneliness, or you can say I have been trying to enjoy loneliness. But more than 10 years has passed and I came to sometimes think that I should try to find my new partner for the rest of my life. But of course in the other mind, I confirmed to myself that I had to keep the promise with myself that I would send the rest of my life by myself. So when I went to Thailand, since I had a lot of time, I just opened the Thaikisses site partly for pleasure. And finally I met you, ON. At the beginning of opening this site, I was not so serious about finding the best partner. That's is the reason I wrote in my profile that my purpose would be to know each other and different culture. I did not choose "marriage" as my final purpose. Do you remember that, ON? But you came to me. Little by little, you melted my stubborn decison of being alone for the rest of my life. Because of you, ON, I decided to have my life again. You changed my, ON. You have already come to be an indispensable partner. You are far above just a close friend, ON. You are the only most important partner for me now, ON? Honestly, I would like to keep my present mind if you don't mind.
OK, ON. I am so sorry that today's email may sound very very serious, maybe too serious. If you don't like to read this, please delete this. But anyway, thanks very much for reading my long email letter.