Hurting you is the worst thing.
Our relationship is so complicated moving forward: it would take tremendous energy, time, money and commitment to move forward. Not a little. A tremendous amount.
Of course our first meeting is awkward. That is understood.
What is not to love? You are beautiful in every way. That passion would come to us I see that as possible. However, Love has nothing to do with it. I am saying this is a tremendous effort to move forward. I do not have the resources to relocate you; live in Thailand? What is the end result? How will our lives be better?
I do not have it in me to exert what it will take. I have the ability to make things happen, I have been trained from birth and retrained repeatedly in life. What I see is a tremendous effort with unforeseen rewards.
To spend my life on a project of this immensity there must be some reward associated to the effort. The years and effort, the expense, the stress, the travel to Thailand every few months, back and forth. How is this of value to either of us? The only relationship we can have is marriage. Marriage is itself a tremendous project. We cannot get a couple of rings a wedding license go see a monk and be married. Way, Way more complicated than that.
I do not have it in me to fight through all of this. I do not want to fight and struggle and push and make things happen. I want peace and quiet I do not want to go looking for a fight.
I do not want to go forward no matter my feelings for you; take love out of it. Blame it on me. I do not want to fight this fight. Would you truly wish to fight this fight?
John