I walked backstage after singing “WinterBlossom”, looking for ____ as I stepped out. I found her sitting on a chair some distance away from the curtains. I walked over to her, feeling my heart beat slightly faster as I closed the gap between us. It’s been acting this way for a few weeks now, always happening whenever I saw her. I wondered why it was happening.
“Ai!” ____’s call snapped me out of my thoughts, and my heart raced even faster when I heard my name on her lips. I tried to keep my cool and any emotion off my face.
“____,” I said, stoically. “What is it?”
____ was blushing. “W-Well, I wanted to ask you something.” She looked me in the eye and said, “I love you, Ai.”
I just stood there, a rare expression of surprise on my face. ____ loved me? How could she love me? I’m just a worthless replacement, not even a real human, but… what exactly am I feeling right now, if I was feeling anything at all? My mind tried to come up with an answer as I felt my face heat up, unable to control my system anymore.
And then it hit me.
This feeling was love. Love for ____. Love for how she smiles; love for her kindness, care, everything. I was feeling the same thing she feels for me. Figuring this out, I hurried to make a reply.
“I feel the same way,” I hurriedly said. It felt strange to hear the word “feel” come from my lips, but I couldn’t doubt that it was the truth.
____’s face lit up with pure joy and she rushed to me and wrapped her arms around my waist. She rested her head on my chest and I gingerly hugged her back, feeling warm all over.
I could get used to this.
***
A month into our relationship, I noticed something about ____. She was a bit distant from me, like she was afraid of something bad happening. Something about it hurt my heart, knowing she was scared but wouldn’t tell me, wouldn’t let me comfort her.
If she let me, I would take care of her, I’d never let anything bad happen to her.
You set it again, my heart's in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star
I'm at the edge of my emotions
Watching the shadows burning in the dark
And I'm in love
And I'm terrified
For the first time and the last time
In my only
I only said it 'cause I mean it
I only mean 'cause it's true
So don't you doubt what I've been dreaming
'Cause it fills me up and holds me close whenever I'm without you
READER
My heart was going wild again. It was because Ai was at my apartment, sleeping over because the rest of Quartet Night were going to be doing a photo shoot, that Ai already finished beforehand, well into the night.
So there he was, on my bed, lounging on it with his arms behind his head.
But it wasn’t as if this was the first time Ai had slept over. It was just that I was feeling something in the pit of my stomach that I had to let go, but wouldn’t—couldn’t, rather. I knew I needed to, but I just didn’t know how Ai would react and it terrified me if his reaction was more than offended.
“____,” Ai called from the bed. I was in the closet getting changed and walked out of it and towards him. He sat up and I plopped myself into a sitting position on the edge of the bed.
“Yes, ____? What is it?” I asked.
“I’ve noticed something about you these past few weeks.” I immediately tensed up and saw that Ai noticed. “I wanted to ask you about it.”
“W-What did you notice?”
“You’ve been distant, like you’re scared of something bad happening between us. It’s really… frustrating seeing you that way and it hurts because you don’t tell me what bothers you.” Ai paused and looked me squarely in the eye. “Can’t you tell me?”
I felt tears in my eyes and tried to keep them at bay.
“I-I…” I stuttered. I couldn’t say it. I was too scared of his reaction to tell him.
But he had to know. “I’m scared,” I whispered, looking at the bed sheets. “I’m scared, Ai. I’m scared that you’ll leave me. I love you so much that I feel like I could die if you weren’t with me. Whenever you’re not around, this fear of you leaving me grips me like a vise and it terrifies me so much that I just had to keep myself from loving you too much, but sometimes I can’t control it.” I looked at him. “I’m sorry I kept it from you. I was just so scared of what you’ll think of me if I told you.”
Ai looked at me with no expression on his face. I couldn’t call it guarded because that was how he usually looked. But right now, it gave off the air of disapproval, like he’d rather be anywhere but with me.
You set it again, my heart's in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star
I'm at the edge of my emotions
Watching the shadows burning in the dark
And I'm in love
And I'm terrified
For the first time and the last time
In my only