Hi baby,
I think I should write you tis long post in regard on these 2days Wat happened.. Firstly, think I should apologise to you again on seeing yr hp msg, yes I knw, i say before tat I shouldn see it again but yet, I did it again.. But by see ur hp, doesn't mean I checking on you again.. I was just really browsing thru your hp only.. Really hv no other intention at all.. So I am sorry for doing tat..
Secondly, guess u hv knw tat I read some msg which is very painful, hurtful n heart pain for me.. Abt you gg out to drink, didn tell me.. Hang flower to girls (which u say before, u knw where n Wat is ur limit when u drink) but u didn do it..
And abt ur conversation w ur friend Parry, Wat make u do to break up w me.. It very hurtful n painful for me when I saw all these.. I just can't believe my eyes when I saw all these. I dunno at tat point of time, when u say all these, does u really mean it or really just talk nonsense. But no guys wil take their own gf n own rs to joke abt like tis. It so disrespect for the gf n rs.. When I saw these, all kinds of through come into my mind. Are u really becos of e money tat I lent you then u didn break up w me or Wat. And our love really worth tat much to u. And does our love is so painful for u. All these just keep coming into my mind until I can't slp.. I stil think of the last resort tat if it really tat painful to u n so troubling to u, I can even forgo the money than make u so painful n troubled.. Even tot I nt very rich or my family is rich but money can earn n save back again.. So I dunno Wat is the reason why u reply ur friend tat.. Seriously until nw, I can only use guess..
And for the financial issue on my part, I don't intend or wan to tel u abt but guess zy hv shown u all the msges between me n him.. So guess, u knw now le.. I hv make my choice n decision to lent you so I hv no regrets nw..
As for the gg out to drink part.. My heart was broken too.. Like seriously damn freaking painful.. Even until now.. U didn tel me Tat u go out drink, u tel me u nt gg out n in bunk le, so I didn doubt u, I really tot u in bunk, gg to slp soon.. But I didn expect u to go out drink.. Drink nvm. I say before le, go out drink w friends can but must knw Wat u are doing n knw where is ur limit is.. But u did not do Wat u hv say.. It like being double standard. Say tis but do likewise.. U always say when i drink, I dunno my limit but nw I can tel u tat, when I drink til high, I don't even go hang flowers n say I wan to marry them n won't do all these.. Which y whenever u say u go drink, I believe Wat u say when u say u knw ur limit.. N i really really believe u.. Cos when u say it, u mean it..
Yes, I understand tat tis is ur lifestyle, u always do all these.. But nw u are attached n u hv given me the promise, so u should knw Wat should do and Wat shouldn do at all.. N yes, I knw u hv cut dwn alot le, don't go as often as before le. I really appreciate tat.. But stil, hang flowers n etc, is really not right n appropriate to do it.. U say u hv been gg less nw, I believe u. But didn tel me n go drink, is not right.. It like I trust u so much but nw u do tis, it like betraying my trust on u.. Imagine I stil do all these, didn tel u I go drink n do all these funny things behind ur back, wil u be happy after knowing it? U must be thinking tat my gf is spending money on another guys instead but stil say wan to hv a future w me.. If u are in my shoe, wil u be heart broken when u knw all these? It like all the promises tat u tel me, is all fake.. Becos u say tis but u do likewise..
Zy say u need time to change n adapt to me.. Yes, I agree.. Cutting dwn n go lesser take time (tis I agree) .. Last time I go drink, I also got hang flowers before too n etc but once I attached, I stil go drink but stop n don't do all these anymore le.. But go drink til seh, hang flowers n etc, I don't think it take time to change ba.. It like, yes I attached nw n I wan to settle dwn w tis girl n hv a future, so I shouldn do all these anymore le.. It like being respect to the girl tat u hv made the promises to..
My old lifestyle also like tis too.. One wk, go 2 times to drink n etc.. But nw I knw u don't like me to go drink so I also cutting dwn le.. Another reason is becos I think of my health if I wan to hv a kid w u in future, so right nw, hv to start to plan n think aldy.. So should cut dwn less on drinking liao.. We are not young anymore le.. If u stil wan to continue n carry on with ur tis lifestyle n think it very hard to change then u shouldn hv make the promises to me n started w me.. I say before, the guy I looking nw is the one tat wan to settle dwn also.. I can't afford to waste any more time le.. So I say, settle ur own lifestyle first before talking abt settling dwn n etc.. It very painful for me to say all these becos I hv put in 101% of love n effort in U n in tis rs.. I love u more than u love myself but u love urself more than u love me.. Which make me so heart pain nw.. Like really..
I wan to make tis rs work out n happen.. I can't afford to lose tis again.. My heart won't be able to mend it back so fast if I lose tis time round.. Even after we married, u wil stil do these unless u really really wan to change urself then u wil really change if not, even we married n hv kid, u wil stil be like tis.. I told zy tat actually u don't need a gf if u stil wan to carry on w ur tis lifestyle. It very hard n difficult for a gf to think tat my own bf is stil doing all these after he got me..
It very unhealthy for us to be like tis in a rs.. Which make me, write tis long post to u saying hw I really feeling right nw.. Past few nights, can't slp.. Whenever I close my eyes, tears just roll dwn auto by itself.. So I think I cry myself to slp.. My mind just keep on thinking over n over on these things.. Like Why u stil wan do these n etc.. It like u really took me for granted for all the Trust I hv in U..
No expectation, no disappointment.. I hv come to tis conclusion aldy.. I just need u to be honest w me.. N say wat u really mean it.. Tat all I need frm u.. I feel I hv put in more than any effort in tis rs, I dunno whether I should commit more in anot.. But I think I should if I wan to make tis rs work out.. But me, one person can't do it myself, I need both to make tis happen n work out.. If not, I wil be very very tired. N my heart abit tired le.. I can't use my love to change u n let u feel my love.. I knw I can't control u, I can't do alot of things becos ur character is like tis.. I believe tat I hv given u the enough space tat u wan.. I changing myself to adapt to u..
I trying to be normal to you, like nothing had happened before.. I tel myself to just smile it off n so be it.. But it really painful to do it.. Like really really.. I not perfect, u not perfect too but we hv to make tis work out to make it perfect..
Sometimes I might be stupid n ask stupid questions but pls, don't be fratustraed n feel irritated when talk to me.. It like, u don't like to talk to me at all,so sometimes it make me don't say anything to u in case u feel irritated again.. Unlike when before we started out, u don't talk to me like tis also.. I might not gd in capturing a guy heart but I hv try my best so it really can't work out, tis is my fate.. I feel I am a failure sia.. Like totally failure.. Becos i can't make u feel heart pain n feel for me..
Enough of saying so much le.. It up to u whether u wan to reply me anot.. But for one thing for sure tat I really really do love u alot.. My trust in u, might be less abit nw but I stil always remb the promise tat u hv give me Tat u wil nv nv leave me (but I also didn wan u to do anything wrong behind my back too) Tis is Wat keep n make me carry on.. But I hope u can make me trust u fully once again..
I stil wan to spend the last day of 2014 and the fresh new day of 2015 tgt w u but I dunno whether u stil wan anot.. 2015 wil be a brand n fresh new start for the both of us so I really do hope tat we can make tis work out.. And no more hiding n do things behind back anymore..
I wan u to be with me smiling every time n everyday tat we are tgt.. Gd night.. Gg to slp nw or trying to slp nw.. Pardon me for being so long winded but if I don't say it out, I dunno hw we can carry on in future..
Just wan to say tat I really really do love u alot.. More than I can imagine of.. Hope u stil love me too..