Step 2: active, empathetic listening
Diagnosing accurately who really has a problem with a behavior—who owns it—is helped by a number of
strategies. One is active listening—attending carefully to all aspects of what a student says and attempting to
understand or empathize with it as fully as possible, even if you do not agree with what is being said (Cooper &
Simonds, 2003). Active listening involves asking a lot of questions in order continually to check your
understanding. It also involves encouraging the student to elaborate or expand on his or her remarks, and
paraphrasing and summarizing what the student has said in order to check your perceptions of what is being said.
It is important not to move too fast toward “solving” the problem with advice, instructions, or scolding, even if these
are responses that you might, as a teacher, feel responsible for making. Responding too soon in these ways can shut
down communication prematurely, and leave you with an inaccurate impression of the source of the problem.
Step 3: assertive discipline and I-messages
Once you have listened well enough to understand the student’s point of view, it helps to frame your responses
and comments in terms of how the student’s behavior affects you as a teacher. The comments should have several
features:
• They should be assertive—neither passive and apologetic, nor unnecessarily hostile or aggressive (Cantor,
1996). State what the problem is, as matter-of-factly as possible: “Joe, you are talking while I’m explaining
something”, instead of either “Joe, do you think you could be quiet now?” or “Joe, be quiet!”
• The comments should emphasize I-messages (Gordon, 1981), which are comments that focus on how the
problem behavior is affecting the teacher’s ability to teach, as well as how the behavior makes the teacher
feel. They are distinct from you-messages, which focus on evaluating the mistake or problem which the
student has created. An I-message might be, “You’re talking is making it hard for me to remember what I’m
trying to say.” A you-message might be, “You’re talking is rude.”
• The comments should encourage the student to think about the effects of his or her actions on others—a
strategy that in effect encourages the student to consider the ethical implications of the actions (Gibbs,
2003). Instead of simply saying, “When you cut in line ahead of the other kids, that was not fair to them”,
you can try saying, “How do you think the other kids feel when you cut in line ahead of them?”
Step 4: negotiation
The steps so far describe ways of interacting that are desirable, but also fairly specific in scope and limited in
duration. In themselves they may not be enough when conflict persists over time and develops a number of
complications or confusing features. A student may persist, for example, in being late for class, in spite of diverse
efforts by the teacher to modify this behavior. Two students may persist in speaking rudely to each other, even
though the teacher has mediated this conflict in the past. Or a student may fail to complete homework, time after
time. Because these problems develop over time, and because they may involve repeated disagreements between
teacher and student, they can eventually become stressful for the teacher, for the student, and for any classmates
who may be affected. Their persistence can tempt a teacher simply to announce or dictate a resolution—a decision
that may simply leave everyone feeling defeated, including the teacher.
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Often in these situations it is better to negotiate a solution, which means systematically discussing options and
compromising on one if possible. Negotiation always requires time and effort, though usually not as much as
continuing to cope with the original problem, and the results can be beneficial to everyone. A number of experts on
conflict resolution have suggested strategies for negotiating with students about persistent problems (Davidson &
Wood, 2004). The suggestions vary in detail, but usually include some combination of the steps we have already
discussed above, along with a few others.
• Decide as accurately as possible what the problem is. Usually this step involves a lot of the active listening
described above.
• Brainstorm possible solutions, and then consider their effectiveness. Remember to include students in
this step; otherwise you are simply imposing a solution on others, which is not what negotiation is
supposed to achieve.
• Choose a solution, (hopefully) if possible by consensus. Complete agreement on the choice may not be
possible, but strive for it as best you can. Remember that taking a vote may be a democratic, acceptable way
to settle differences in many situations. If feelings are running high, however, voting has an ironic byproduct:
it simply allows individuals to “announce” their differences to each other and therefore maintain
the conflict.
• Pay attention later to how well the solution works. For many reasons, things may not work out the way
you or the students hope or expect, and you may need to renegotiate the solution at a later time.