Definition
For our purposes here I’m defining
feedback as information that flows
between people that has to do with
their interaction in the “here and now.”
Telling someone the time or that
you’d rather go to a movie than a
baseball game is not feedback in the
sense that I’m using the term. It’s
just information. I define effective
feedback as information that: (1) can
be heard by the receiver – as
evidenced by the fact that s/he does
not get defensive (2) keeps the
relationship intact, open and healthy
–though not devoid of conflict or
pain and (3) validates the feedback
process in future interactions –
rather than avoiding it because “last
time it hurt so much.”
Further, feedback does not assume
that the giver is totally right and the
receiver wrong. Instead, it’s an
invitation to interaction and has some
give-and-take to it. Also, it is a
behavior that is inappropriate in
interactions with people who do not
have some significance in our lives,
but all right in interactions that we
want to have duration and importance.
Criteria for Effective Feedback
Following are 9 criteria for effective
feedback. If this list sounds
intimidating, keep in mind that some
of them are easy to start using
(once you’re aware). In addition, you
probably won’t need to concern
yourself with all of them and may
find yourself focusing on a cluster
of four or five which you realize are
problems for you. Also, I’m
providing the “flip side” of each
criterion – things we do which are
not effective and trap us into games
and relational confusions. It may be
that if you can just stop doing some
of these things, you’ll have made
significant progress.
To repeat, that’s a lot to keep track
of, especially given the fact that
most of us have had extensive
training in how not to give
feedback. Here are some
suggestions you may find helpful:
n Find out which ineffective
feedback behaviors you most
want to get rid of. You can
do this by paying careful
attention to what you do in
significant interactions; you
can also find out by asking
the “challengers” (and others)
in your personal and work
groups if they can point out
any criteria that you violate
frequently. Share the list with
them if that would help.
Work on those – perhaps two
or three. Try to stop doing
the ineffective things, at the
very least.
n Don’t expect miracles.
Disconfirming feedback
almost always carries some
sting no matter how skillfully
given; and some people are
more easily stung than others
are. Relationships marked by a
relatively high degree of open,
competent feedback are likely
to be richer, more complex,
more interesting than those
marked by little feedback or
game playing. They are also,
however, likely to be more
prickly and intense and they
require more time and energy