Of course we speak two different languages! Look around, we really are different.
If you have ever been in a team meeting, seated across a large oak conference table or shared a tuna fish sandwich with someone who does not match your gender…you probably heard a different language.
No, all the words were in English, but you shook your head in frustration because not everyone at the table was “hearing each other.”
Dr. Deborah Tannen, author of You Just Don’t Understand (Men and Women in Conversation), has done extensive research in how each gender communicates. The results may interest you.
There is an opening assumption: neither male or female is better or worse than the other and not every member of a gender will mirror the conclusions that follow.
What we do know is gender “roles” have been “cued” by this culture. Men and women have been imprinted by a society that expects little boys to play football and little girls to play “house.”
We can argue until the testosterone comes home, but our culture has crafted gender roles. And, gender roles will dramatically influence the words we choose and when to use them.
Specifically, a gender-defined role for men is wrapped around three words: control, status and winning.
As a card-carrying member of the masculine gender, I can tell you my life is often defined by a game I had to master as a child, “King Of The Mountain.”
For those of you who have not had the good fortune to play this macho mayhem, the “winner” is some beleaguered male who stands on top of a small hill and quickly learns to kick, punch and pummel any other intruder who attempts to knock him off his perch.
What that game means for men in the business community is “staying on top” is the mark of a “winner.”
Women, on the other hand, have learned that playing hopscotch, “school” and jump rope give “everyone a turn.” Winning is not as important as…connecting.
So, the key words that characterize women would be community, networking and relationship-building.
Therefore, doing business with a woman is all about building connections that will pay off for everyone. Everyone wins when status is traded in for community.
Specifically, then, here are the differences in gender language when we all wake up and the smell the chromosomes.
First, men will try to “fix” the problem and women will center in on the “causes” of the problem. It will sound like this, (Man) “You people need to make this change and it will work.” (Woman) “Let’s try to figure out why this keeps happening.”
Second, men do not need to ask for travel directions because it would be an admission of losing superiority. Women usually have no inhibitions about stopping at a convenience store for some help because being “superior” has nothing to do with getting lost.
So, in a work environment a man may say, “I think we need to run with this and score a touchdown for the company.” A woman may say, “Wait, why don’t we take some more time here to get this decision right.”
Third, men are experts at “report-talk” while women have mastered “rapport-talk.”
Here are a man and a woman in a team meeting.
“The numbers are very clear and demand an immediate response from this team. We have got to pump up production.” (Man)
“My concern is what is behind these numbers. These metrics tell me we are victimizing people out there on the floor. We can turn better numbers only when front-line management stops intimidating our staff.” (Woman).
Finally, men believe the glue for any relationship is doing something together (building a log home, rugby, golf) while women usually endorse talking as a way to build a relationship.
This difference will often play out in the workplace when both genders have to cooperate on decision-making.
A man may say, “I think we have talked this decision to death. I say we bring it to a vote now…several of us discussed this on the golf course this last weekend and we are ready to move.”
A woman may respond, “I think there are parts of this decision that none of us have explored and we could be digging our own graves if we get this wrong. I’m appealing that we put together a sub-committee to spend time with this and report next week.”
Men and women do speak a different language. We all know that. So, what’s the big deal?
The big deal is not admitting to the difference in language, but working at understanding each other.