PURE MANHOOD:
JASON EVERT
I was unloading a surfboard from the roof of my truck when I heard a mumbled voice behind me say, “Man, chicks are sooo easy!†I looked down and saw a guy about my age, hung over and half asleep in the back seat of his convertible. Apparently, he had been unable to drive home after his date the previous evening. Unsure of what to say to him, I took my board and walked to the beach.
Sitting on the water that afternoon, I did more thinking than surfing. I thought of the times I had used girls and the times that I had felt used by them. I thought of the times that I was congratulated for my impurities and mocked for the innocence I managed to retain. A quote I once read echoed in my head: “Until a man knows he’s a man, he will be trying to prove that he is one.â€1
What does it mean to be a man? How does a guy establish his manhood?
Most of us learned in the locker room that losing your purity proves your masculinity. But we all know that something is missing from this picture of manhood. Behind all the bragging about sexual conquests on prom night, every guy harbors a deeper longing to cherish a girl. For example, when a guy imagines his future bride, he doesn’t think about “getting some†from her. He thinks about giving his life to her.
Despite what the world seems to think, most guys are not players who intentionally victimize clueless women. Sure, those guys exist. But nowadays it seems like there are just as many girls out there who are using guys. There is a battlefield of love and lust within everyone’s heart. Thankfully, our call to love runs deeper than our temptation to lust. For proof of this, one need only look as far as the outside of a strip club. There will be a neon sign claiming that there are “gentlemen†inside. No matter how far we fall, we never forget that we are supposed to be men.
The purpose of this booklet is to help you to choose the good and live it out. It is not a condemnation but a challenge to accept the demands of authentic manhood and, in doing so, to become a blessing to women and a visible image of God the Father’s love.
“What do girls want?â€
To answer this question, I gave a survey to a thousand high school and college girls. Two of the four questions I asked were “What do you want in a man?†and “If you wanted guys to know one thing, what would it be?â€
Here’s what they said:
The quality they most wanted in a man was that he be faithful and honest. In a close second, they wanted him to be respectful. Other common responses were that the man be loving, caring, pure, and close to God. Together, these six virtues accounted for about 90 percent of the votes. Attractiveness, athletic ability, and wealth were not the first concerns.
When asked about the one thing they wanted men to know, some of the ladies offered pearls of wisdom such as “Don’t be stupid†and “Never say, ‘She looks fat in that dress.’†Fortunately, most of the girls gave more substantial answers about what they like guys to know.
Some suggested, “Take a chance,†when it comes to relationships, or “Be the person you want to marry.†A large number of young women said, “Be yourself, and don’t let your friends pressure you into becoming anyone else.†Some said, “Love God more than me.â€
Other girls expressed their hurts and insecurities. They wanted guys to know “We’re fragile,†“Never hurt me,†or “If I could take back one night, I would.†These answers conveyed a sense that many girls had been manipulated and used and few had been guarded in love or pursued with sincerity. Many seemed to doubt that they’re worth fighting for.
Purity was a common theme in 20 percent of the responses, with girls saying things like “Never pressure a girl,†“It’s more hot to wait until you’re married,†and “I am waiting for you, and when I find you some day I’ll give you all of myself because I’ve saved myself for you. I love you wherever you are and whoever you are!†One girl addressed purity of speech, saying, “Don’t say perverted things to girls. It’s degrading and scary.†Another girl said, “If you’re trying to be pure and you see a girl dressed modestly, tell her you appreciate her modesty.â€
But the top response by a landslide—representing 429 of 1,000 answers—was that the girls wanted a man to know how to treat her like a lady. They expressed the hope that guys would respect women and not use them, and “Love me for who I am, not just my body.†The girls also asked not to be treated like “one of the guys.†In the words of one girl, “All that girls want is a gentleman.†By gentleman she did not mean a sweet and thoughtful boy but rather a man who knows how to honor a woman properly.
Knowing this, it’s reasonable to ask why girls date jerks if they really want gentlemen. Or why they dress like they want their bodies to get all the attention if they really want guys to be interested in their personalities.
One young woman answered these objections best when she wrote, “Some of us don’t know how we should be treated.†Sometimes girls are willing to forget their dignity and their deepest longings for the sake of feeling desirable to a man. In a similar way, we may forget our desire to be gentlemen for the sake of receiving pleasure.
“What’s a gentleman supposed to do?â€
Guys are constantly told to act like gentleman but are rarely told exactly what this means. I include the following not because I’ve mastered any of it, but because I could have used these specifics a while ago.
If you’re interested in a girl, first build the foundation of a lasting friendship. By doing this, you’ll be able to see if you’re attracted to her personality and not just her looks. It will also give you the chance to know her family before you pursue her. When a guy skips this step of a relationship, the girl’s parents often resent him and wonder why he’s afraid to be around them. They know that a guy who isn’t trustworthy is easily intimidated by loving parents. They want only the best for their daughter, and if you love her, you will share their intention. I once heard a mother say that she was so protective of her daughter because after working so hard to raise godly children, the last thing she wanted was to see her daughter throw it all away and marry some “unprepared spiritual midget.â€
When the time comes to ask a young woman out, take the initiative. There’s no way around it—a guy has to experience being a nervous wreck as he asks a girl out. This honors the girl, because it takes the burden of rejection off of her and places it on you. By initiating love, you’re telling her that you’d rather be rejected by her than not have had the chance to win her. So get out of your shell. If she’s not worth the pain of rejection, then you don’t desire her enough.
Plan ahead for your date. Show that you’ve put some thought and effort into making the time with her special. Don’t just sit there saying, “I don’t know. What do you want to do?†If you go to a restaurant, open the door for her. When you sit down, pull her chair out for her. Deliberately give her the seat that faces the center of the restaurant, or whichever one has the better view. You should take the seat that faces the wall. This is a sign that you won’t be looking over her shoulder at the hostess or the TV during dinner. Your eyes are on her, and she knows it. If an attractive woman walks by, you should keep your attention on your date, so that she is secure in your love. Staring at other women while you’re on a date shows a lack of respect, self-control, and class.
When the waiter comes, let her order first. When the food arrives, pray grace, and don’t eat as if someone is about to take your dinner away from you. Take your time, and don’t swipe food off of her plate unless she offers. When it comes to talking, avoid conversations that sound like, “I’ve talked enough about me. Now you talk about me.†Take an interest in her. Keep the conversation pure, avoid gossip, and be considerate about what she may not want to discuss. When the bill comes, look at it with wide eyes and slide it over to her, and say, “If I were you, I wouldn’t pay that much.†Not really. If you’ve invited her out to a meal, you should pay.
If you’re getting the feeling that you’re becoming a servant, you’re getting the right idea. If you hope to be a father one day (as a dad or a priest), then get used to it. The man is the spiritual head of the family. Paul tells husbands that they should be the head of their wives as Christ was the head of the Church, and that they should love their brides as Christ loved the Church (Eph. 5). But don’t confuse leadership with domination. Remember that Christ was the one who washed his disciples’ feet and that he was crucified for them. In the same way, the man is to be the leader by serving. Although you are not the spiritual leader of your date, you can still take the initiative to honor her in many ways.
It has been said that beginning at the age of two, women speak three times as many words as guys do. I don’t doubt this for a second. But one problem this causes in relationships is that we don’t talk. As the relationship deepens, let her know—in words—where you stand. Sometimes a girl will lie awake at night pulling her hair out trying to figure out if a guy likes her, while he’s lying in bed wondering how to get to the next level of his video game. Be clear with her. I don’t mean that you have to pour out your dreams of the future, which feature her driving a minivan filled with your offspring. Just let her know whe