In most marriages, levels of satisf

In most marriages, levels of satisfaction drop dramatically within the first few years together.

But among couples who not only endure, but live happily together for years and years, the spirit of kindness and generosity guides them forward.

Every day in June, the most popular wedding month of the year, about 13,000 American couples will say “I do,” committing to a lifelong relationship that will be full of friendship, joy, and love that will carry them forward to their final days on this earth.

Except, of course, it doesn’t work out that way for most people.

The majority of marriages fail, either ending in divorce and separation or devolving into bitterness and dysfunction.

Of all the people who get married, only three in ten remain in healthy, happy marriages, as psychologist Ty Tashiro points out in his book "The Science of Happily Ever After."

Social scientists first started studying marriages by observing them in action in the 1970s in response to a crisis: Married couples were divorcing at unprecedented rates. Worried about the impact these divorces would have on the children of the broken marriages, psychologists decided to cast their scientific net on couples, bringing them into the lab to observe them and determine what the ingredients of a healthy, lasting relationship were.

Was each unhappy family unhappy in its own way, as Tolstoy claimed, or did the miserable marriages all share something toxic in common?

Psychologist John Gottman was one of those researchers. For the past four decades, he has studied thousands of couples in a quest to figure out what makes relationships work. I recently had the chance to interview Gottman and his wife Julie, also a psychologist, in New York City. Together, the renowned experts on marital stability run The Gottman Institute, which is devoted to helping couples build and maintain loving, healthy relationships based on scientific studies.

John Gottman began gathering his most critical findings in 1986, when he set up “The Love Lab” with his colleague Robert Levenson at the University of Washington. Gottman and Levenson brought newlyweds into the lab and watched them interact with each other.

With a team of researchers, they hooked the couples up to electrodes and asked the couples to speak about their relationship, like how they met, a major conflict they were facing together, and a positive memory they had. As they spoke, the electrodes measured the subjects' blood flow, heart rates, and how much they sweat they produced. Then the researchers sent the couples home and followed up with them six years later to see if they were still together.

From the data they gathered, Gottman separated the couples into two major groups: the masters and the disasters. The masters were still happily together after six years. The disasters had either broken up or were chronically unhappy in their marriages.

When the researchers analyzed the data they gathered on the couples, they saw clear differences between the masters and disasters. The disasters looked calm during the interviews, but their physiology, measured by the electrodes, told a different story. Their heart rates were quick, their sweat glands were active, and their blood flow was fast. Following thousands of couples longitudinally, Gottman found that the more physiologically active the couples were in the lab, the quicker their relationships deteriorated over time.

But what does physiology have to do with anything? The problem was that the disasters showed all the signs of arousal — of being in fight-or-flight mode — in their relationships. Having a conversation sitting next to their spouse was, to their bodies, like facing off with a saber-toothed tiger.

Even when they were talking about pleasant or mundane facets of their relationships, they were prepared to attack and be attacked. This sent their heart rates soaring and made them more aggressive toward each other. For example, each member of a couple could be talking about how their days had gone, and a highly aroused husband might say to his wife, “Why don’t you start talking about your day. It won’t take you very long.”

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在大多数的marriages级下降，一些dramatically满意度第一年在一起。但是，不仅是among夫妇一起生活，但endure happily，年和年的kindness，精神和generosity他们guides Forward。在每一个最受欢迎的一个月，关于婚礼的夫妇，13,000年美国会说“我做”，将这将是关系到一个新的lifelong friendship快乐和爱，他们会进行，这对他们的final days forward这个地球上。当然，这并不Except，院通了的人工作是为最。majority marriages），在either ending fail的离婚和separation或devolving为bitterness和功能障碍。所有的人，谁是结婚，只有在得到三十，健康活泼，快乐的marriages停留在psychologist Tashiro分为类型在他的书“了。”Happily曾经在科学院第一，社会科学家通过观察他们在工程studying marriages action在70年代，他们在响应到一个危机：在离婚的夫妇是在unprecedented关于离婚的影响。Worried已经在这些孩子的吗？broken marriages到高点，psychologists decided铸造他们夫妇把他们的网络，为在实验室观察到他们determine什么成分和健康活泼的关系，是一个lasting。每个家庭在其Was unhappy unhappy声称自己为Tolstoy通，或做什么，这marriages所有的痛苦。toxic的共同点？约翰是一个Psychologist Gottman研究院。为那些过去几十年的研究，他有四个成千上万的夫妇在一个任务来了个什么使工作的关系。我有机会到recently和他的妻子朱莉，Gottman访谈psychologist也一，在纽约市。renowned婚姻专家一起，在麻省理工学院），这Gottman运行稳定性是建立和维护一个devoted loving helping夫妇关系下，研究基于健康活泼。约翰Gottman最关键began采访他的，他findings 1986设置时，在“爱与colleague罗伯特，他的实验室。在华盛顿大学Levenson。为把Gottman和Levenson和观看了他们的新婚夫妇，年轻interact实验室与每个其他。有一个研究院的团队，他们夫妇高达钩到电极和他们问的关系，对夫妇说。他们喜欢如何满足他们，主要是facing a conflict一起，和一个积极的记忆，他们有他们spoke，作为电极。血液流量测量的主体，在他们的心，多少的汗水。他们的研究produced然后sent夫妇。遵循与他们家和六年来游戏，如果他们仍然是用人在一起。的数据，从他们的gathered Gottman separated夫妇两组：主要为：disasters大师和大师。六年后，仍然是happily一起游戏。disasters either）或是有长期unhappy broken marriages在他们。当研究人员分析了先进的数据gathered夫妇，他们在他们的主人之间，清晰和differences里面看。disasters disasters看。），但他们calm要访谈的电极，通过测量physiology a different，告诉。在房间的故事。他们是快速的，心是主动的，和他们的汗水glands血液流是快速Following成千上万。是的，Gottman longitudinally夫妇发现更多的夫妇是在生理活性的实验室，在那里quickerdeteriorated关系在时间。但是我有什么做什么？physiology）问题是与所有的disasters是showed -中的觉醒在飞行模式的fight-or - -是在他们的关系。Having next to a conversation坐到他们的配偶，他们是体像与一个facing，saber-toothed tiger抛售。甚至当他们愉快谈话是关于他们的关系。mundane方面或是特殊的，他们是来和prepared他们的心受到攻击。这sent高耸在他们和其他腐蚀性toward做更多。例如，每个的每个成员。一个关于如何对他们的谈话可能是有天跑了，和一个高度有可能引起对他的妻子说，“为什么不你对你今天开始谈话。它不会很长，看你的。”