To my ex boyfriend,
The first time you told me you loved me,
I did not say it back.
We had been together a few months and your heart worked almost as quickly as your words
You told me that that was just fine and you didn’t want to rush me,
But still you glanced away and caught your breath before you could smile at me again
The first time you told me you loved me,
You did not yet know the middle name of my oldest brother,
To be completely honest,
You probably still don’t
and you did not ease me in,
and when
one month later, I finally told you I reciprocated your feelings
it was only after I had spent two hours crying for you
You taught me to make pain the equivalent of my own beauty and
it hurt so bad when you told me of past lovers I knew
I thought,
that a heart only breaks when love is bursting its seams
and maybe I was right in some way because its hard to have panic attacks for someone you do not care for but that Doesn’t mean I was ever in love with you
And now,
So many months and make out sessions later let’s be truthful with eachother all we ever were and all they ever could be were
Mistakes
I understand
That I was never anything more than a late night whispered I love you and I can count the number of times you said it loud enough for three people to hear on one hand
I
was nothing but your bitch,
and now I wonder often how you manage to dehumanize and break hearts before noon because,
you may not know this,
But I am not a fucking animal
I am a human being.
so consider this a closed chapter in my life and I will be proud if your name never decorates the lines of my poetry and my ribs again.
Sincerely,
Do not call me your friend
To this new boy,
I am sorry that he tore my heart from her pedestal in my chest
and she is not strong enough yet to be caressed by you
I have spent countless nights braiding the veins of her into pretty knots and woven them into my chest in a pathetic attempt to put her where anatomy classes claim she should be but between you and i
I keep her prisoner in her own chambers
but she holds the key
and I have not been able to convince her to let herself out
to you,
new boy with soft eyes and a beautiful smile,
do you think that if I tattoo the scripture that is her favorite song on my forehead,
you will sing it to her as a lullaby
while we trick her into submission.
The first time you said you loved me,
you said you meant it as more like friends,
and I could not even return to you that
You said that’s fine,
and I could not see your face from the other end of the line to know if you were actually upset but I know that when you confessed to me,
my mama and my best friend asked me why my cheeks wore white like a wedding dress,
or a ghost,
Will it be okay if a month from now I have still not reciprocated your feelings?
or will your conscience remind you that you are wasting your time on my bruised ego and
broken heart
Will you be patient while I pick up the pieces?
Will you even bring yourself down to your knees to help me?
To this new boy,
I was sure as hell that big cities held nothing for me but headaches and traffic jams
Until I met you and you can hold me to it when I tell you I’d love to get caught at a red light with you,
If only to count how many times your heart beats before it is green again
I want to know if my smile can pick up the speed.
And if you’re okay with me holding your hand.
Maybe that’s a little too serious though because after all, we are more like friends.
So I wanna know if me singing you a lullaby will make your heartbeat slow and
Are you okay with just getting to know me?
Because I cannot promise you a whirlwind romance but I can swear to you that even if it take me years to say I love you like a traffic jam
It’s not because I haven’t tried.
I am just working my way through the syllables and relearning my first language so that when I get it out,
I know the definition.
Sincerely,