Murray Bowen (1978; Kerr & Bowen, 1988), who arguably had more to say than any other
theorist about how and why people’s family relationships become dysfunctional, believed that to
be effective, family therapists must “de-triangulate” or “differentiate a self” from their families
of origin. In fact, Bowen—and his successors at Georgetown—strategized with their therapists
in training about how to accomplish this difficult task (as explained in Peter Titelman’s 1987
book, The Therapist’s Own Family: Toward the Differentiation of Self).
In line with Bowen’s thinking, we have learned many lessons from our clients about the pitfalls
of poor differentiation from families of origin. Those lessons have encouraged us to act—or,
on some occasions, not to act—in certain ways with our parents, siblings, and extended family
members.