From The First day I stepped into the hospital with my father, my dream and aspiration to become Doctor was determined. The look on his patients faces as they arrived and departed from his office with inordinate happiness, made me want to help others like him. Throughout the months that followed whether at the Dentist for a cleaning, at the pediatrician for a routine checkup, or dinner with my family who have a rich tradition as physicians, medicine was all around me.
When I turned sixteen I was fortunate enough to become a volunteer at ... and work with my father. It was the best medical experience I had till this point, and I did not take any of it for granted. I was mesmerized by the site of the colossal Hypobaric Chamber's yet curious to find out what they do.
This was a very well written essay! Your word choice is excellent and your story is intruiging, I would only suggest talking a little about what you do outside of school, such as volunteer work.