For reasons having mostly to do
with our upbringing, we want to
look “good” to the world (no matter
how much we may deny it), and in
the interest of doing this we may try
to shut out information that runs
counter to the much-desired image.
We fear information that
“disconfirms” our “OKness.” This
fear causes us to behave in ways
that cuts us off from feedback
(either because it causes people to
stop giving it to us or because it
keeps us from being able to hear it)
which is a pity, because game-free
feedback can have great value. It’s
one of the major sources of
information by which we can know
how we’re perceived by others,
develop clarity about why our
relationships are what they are (for
good or bad) and decide what
changes, if any, we want to make in
our behaviors to improve the quality
of our relationships.
There’s another problem, too. Not
only are many of us afraid of
feedback, but we lack skills related
to sending and receiving it. Few
people have an opportunity to learn
feedback skills. So, we more or less,
do it the way it was done to us.
And the way it was done to us is
often what makes us fear it in the
first place!
One way to break out of this cycle
is to learn some feedback concepts.
For example, what constitutes
effective (i.e., helpful, nongameplaying)
feedback? And then
practice those concepts, either in a
setting which validates such
experimentation or with people at
home with whom we can share
information and who we can use as
a resource as we improve our skills.