Listen to and talk with these children: One of the most pleasurable things to do is just
stop, sit, listen and play with these children. When you are quiet and interactive with them
you find that they will begin to show you and tell you about what is really inside them. Yet
as simple as this sounds it is one of the most difficult things for adults to do - to stop, quit
worrying about the time or your next task and really relax into the moment with a child.
Practice this. You will be amazed at the results. These children will sense that you are there
just for them. They will feel how you care for them.
It is during these moments that you can best reach and teach these children. This is a great
time to begin teaching children about their different "feelings." Regardless of the activity, the
following principles are important to include: (1) All feelings are okay to feel -- sad, glad, or
mad (more emotions for older children); (2) Teach the child healthy ways to act when sad,
glad, or mad; (3) Begin to explore how other people may feel and how they show their
feelings - “How do you think Bobby feels when you push him?” (4) When you sense that the
child is clearly happy, sad, or mad, ask them how they are feeling. Help them begin to put
words and labels to these feelings.
Have realistic expectations of these children: Abused and neglected children have so
much to overcome. And, for some, they will not overcome all of their problems. For a
Romanian orphan adopted at age five after spending her early years without any emotional
nurturing, the expectations should be limited. She was robbed of some, but not all, of her
potential. We do not know how to predict potential in a vacuum, but we do know how to
measure the emotional, behavioral, social and physical strengths and weaknesses of a child.
A comprehensive evaluation by skilled clinicians can be very helpful in beginning to define
the skill areas of a child and the areas where progress will be slower.
Be patient with the child's progress and with yourself: Progress will be slow. The slow
progress can be frustrating and many adoptive parents will feel inadequate because all of the
love, time and effort they spend with their child may not seem to be having any effect. But
it does. Don't be hard on yourself. Many loving, skilled and competent parents have been
swamped by the needs of a neglected and abused child that they have taken in.
Take care of yourself: Caring for maltreated children can be exhausting and demoralizing.
You cannot provide the consistent, predictable, enriching and nurturing care these children
need if you are depleted. Make sure you get rest and support. Respite care can be crucial.
Use friends, family and community resources. You will not be able to help your child if you
are exhausted, depressed, angry, overwhelmed and resentful.
Take advantage of other resources: For more information on this and other like topics,
visit www.ChildTraumaAcademy.org. Many communities have support groups for adoptive or
foster families. Professionals with experience in attachment problems or maltreated children
can be very helpful. You will need help. Remember, the earlier and more aggressive the
interventions, the better. Children are most malleable early in life and as they get older
change is more difficult.