1. It can be hard to know when Christmas starts these days. It isn't when supermarkets start
selling mince pies, because that's August. It isn't when the Christmas ads start, because that's
November. It isn't Black Friday or Cyber Monday or Christmas Day itself, so when is it? Until very
recently this question had a definitive answer: it was when Channel 4 showed Elf.
2. Though the film is only a decade old, Channel 4's Elf day has become a tradition surprisingly
quickly. Usually shown on a Sunday afternoon around the second weekend of December, Elf was the
sign that Christmas had well and truly arrived. Sweet without being saccharine, nostalgic while being
completely current, and laugh-out-loud funny even after repeated viewings, Will Ferrell's turn as Buddy
the Elf was the perfect way to usher in the festive season.
3. I've wrapped presents to Elf. I've got drunk on mulled wine to Elf. I – like the majority of people
on the internet – have excitedly yelped Elf quotes during Elf. In 2011, Sarah Millican tweeted that Elf was
about to start. It was one of her most retweeted remarks ever. Six million people watched Elf in 2008 –
almost the number of people who watch The X Factor. The Channel 4 Christmas broadcast of Elf
brought people together year after year. It was like the Olympics for people who don't understand sport.
But it isn't any more. Because Sky's nicked it. Without hyperbole, this means that Christmas is ruined.
4. This year, Elf can only be seen by Sky Movies subscribers. It was OK when Sky Movies nabbed
Harry Potter and James Bond from ITV, because ITV showed them way too much and it was only
temporary. But swiping Elf from Channel 4? That's messing with lore. It's left me adrift. Elf is how I
measure Christmas. If Channel 4 isn't showing it, how will I know when Christmas is? My frame of
reference is all to pot. I might celebrate Christmas tomorrow, or in July. I haven't got a clue any more.
5. Now, there's no doubt that Sky Movies will treat Elf well. It won't be sliced up by adverts like it
was on Channel 4. And it'll be on demand, so you can watch it whenever you want. You could even
watch it today, if you wanted to. But that's the problem. It's no longer an event. It isn't communal. One
person's Elf day might be another person's Wednesday 27 November. I don't want to exaggerate, but
I'm worried about what'll happen to Twitter without a day where everyone quotes every line from Elf like
they're all participating in an ancient pagan ritual. I think it might literally dissolve before our eyes.
6. There's not a lot we can do. The deal has been made. Channel 4 will be Elfless this year whether
we like it or not. There are workarounds. Perhaps we could hire a cinema and pile in to all watch it
together. But I fear that wouldn't be the same. It just means that Christmas won't be quite as Christmassy
this year.
7. I haven't asked who has the rights to The Muppet Christmas Carol for 2013, by the way. I'm not
sure I could take the heartbreak.