Hi Lovely:
I wish I as in Chiangmai to hug, hold, and love you. I came to Ecuador because I worry about my son and need to be in his life. Now that I'm back on the other side of the world, my heart aches not only because I miss my best friend and lover, but, because you are hurting and need me. I'm so sorry I'm not there for you!
I could send you some money. I can't make any transfers from Bangkok Bank from here because their online services require a password and clearance code that would be sent to my old SIM card and can't be retrieved here. What I can do is get a money order and have it sent priority mail to you. Let me know about this.
It appears that selling your Dad's place is a must now. Don't worry now about money you owe me. Taking care of yourself is more important at this time. I'm not sure if your brothers are pressing for maximum profit on the sale of the place, but, they aren't out of work and you are. Your the executor, get what money you can and worry about taking care of your needs.
My health is okay as my body will just need time to adjust. From what I've read, what I'm experiencing is not unusual and a lot has been written about what I'm experiencing. The last couple of nights I've gotten a little more sleep. Now that I know what is causing it, I worry less about what's going on with me. My body will adjust.
I'm very worried about you. Even though I'm way over on the other side of the world, please consider me still with you. I am with you in many ways as your relationship with me has been one of the brightest moments in my life. I carry you with me and think of you often. I spoke about you to my Dad and Linda when Devin and I saw them and showed them pictures of you when we went to the snake farm. I told them you have been one of the kindest people I've known and that leaving you in Thailand was very hard for me (I fought off tears when I told them about you).
Spending the time I did with Devin, and the hope we both have for a future of being with each other more, showed me how much I've hurt in my life without him. Tanya, he needs me now. He's getting much better and I could tell, just as his mother did, that my being in his life again and making a commitment to helping him emotionally and otherwise will only provide a richness in his life (I hope) to help him adjust to the many challenges he faces. He's a talented musician and is in music because of me in no small degree. I can't abandon him like I did when I was doing so poorly. I'm going to bring him down to Cuenca in three or four months to stay with me for awhile.
The application process has been submitted by my attorney in Quito. I've already invested several hundred dollars in the process and still owe my attorney $600 when the residency decision is made. I'm invested in making my transition to Ecuador work in finances and certainly emotionally.
I'm making a real effort at learning the language and will take classes in Spanish once my residency is approved (if approved). I've had some people already show unusual kindness to me here.
The owner of the place where I stayed in Quito drove me down yesterday to Cuenca where his family lives instead of me shipping my two big bags by freight and taking a plane. I tried to give him money and he would not accept it saying he was coming down to Cuenca anyway and he's appreciated me staying at his hotel.
Riding with him and taking in the scenery (about 7 hours drive between Quito and Cuenca) was one of most beautiful experiences I've had. It was right up there with the ride we took to Pie from Chiangmai, only the mountains here are huge. The road we took went around Cotopaxi - a volcano that has just erupted, past mountain peaks that are over 6,000 meters high, some snow--capped (though the glaciers on the Andes mountains are rapidly melting due to global warming), winding up and down mountain highways through clouds and valley mists that towered over villages in valleys 3,000 meters below. I though of you and how I wished you could experience these things through my eyes. It was then that I also savored the trip we took to Pie, another amazing journey.
Tanya, you were all I had in Chiangmai really. My experience in Thailand was very healing, but, I was isolated - some of it intentional - and I felt very alone there. The English speakers I ran into were not those I could be close to in any trusting way. They were generally self absorbed with little interest in anything outside of themselves and their immediate pleasures. Again, you were all I was connected to as even my teaching -- as much I as enjoyed it, was becoming yet another way that I was being only used by others with little thought toward me as a human being.
It is very hard for me to trust other people. My life, from my early childhood and the way I was raised, has been one of training me to be fearful of trusting others. Sweetie, believe it or not, I trusted you more than I've trusted anyone in a very long time. And, even that was far from perfect. I feared that you'd tire of me and eventually would leave me like so many others have (wives and friends) when I'm not longer useful to them. In the meantime, if I gambled and put everything out there for you, I'd leave my only son on the otherside of the world to fend for himself and we'd become distant from each other.
Again, my visit to Chicago and the time I spent with him brought back enduring connections with him as his father that I don't want to forsake. I think you understand given the relationship you have with your son. You'd not want to leave him and place all your bets with me. I could be dead tomorrow, but, you and your son's relationship is far more enduring.
My Sweetie, I love you and my heart if broken like yours. But, I had to move, had to. I have to try to be in my boy's life. I don't want to die without giving everything I can to help him thrive. He's my flesh and blood and in many ways, a soul mate. He may one day just outright reject me. However, that won't be because I just left him high and dry to fend for himself. He's a sensitive and perceptive young man in a dog eat dog world that feeds on people like him. Again, I have to help him make a way in the world and I can't do it when I'm as far away as I was when living in Thailand. My financial ability to bring to Thailand is limited and will be nonexistent next year. It will be far easier for me to see him in Chicago because next year as a residence senior citizen I get half price off on airline tickets to go to the States. That's a mere fraction of the cost from Thailand and I'll be able to do it on smaller income I'll have starting next year.
In a year he'll be going back to school to finish up his music degree that will help him find some employment that will help support his music making/playing. I've made a commitment to him to help with that.
At bottom, I can't come back to live in Thailand now, even though I miss you tremendously. Doing so would not be good for Devin, and therefore, me at this stage of my life. One day I might regret this decision. But for now, it's a difficult yet necessary move I've made to help him the best I can. I can't do that from Thailand.
Honestly, this is one of the more personally costly decisions I've made. I left you to be closer to him and that's been very painful for both you and I.
I wish you could sell you Father's place and come to be with me in Ecuador. Yet, I know you also have your financial priorities, your son and his future family and all your experiences and connections in Thailand. It was fairly easy for me to leave the U.S. and become someone without a country. My visit back there helped me feel comfortable with the reasons about why I left the U.S. You are very different from me with very different experiences. My way of living is not for everyone. I'm not sure it would fit you and your background.
Always know that I'm open to your coming here. Who knows, I could show up in thailand sooner than I even plan.
Please understand my circumstances and why I can't go back to Thailand right now. In the meantime, please take care of your health and seek out the support you need.
Remember I'm still with you and care very much about you. I love you and it hurts to be without you. Don't think you are alone in the world because you're not.
Write whenever you can and no matter how you feel. Tomorrow I move to my apartment and I'll ensure I gave you the right address. I'll get 3g for my tablet (there's no internet where I'm moving) and we could then Skype.
I'll write you again soon.
Love,