I'm worn out. I missed a Christmas party today I was looking forward to. I don't go out anymore except to meet people for work and only if Keng can hover around. If I drink or smoke it's a crisis so I haven't for a while now. But it's days like today when I'd like to let my hair down and have a beer and a smoke and just go for a walk by myself and I can't for fear of disapointment. The tears have begun, almost automatically on the eve of our departure for a holiday. Its a ritual. Do I bring this on? I am staying in my little corner. Working on stuff is getting boring. I'm bored. I can't leave my apartment. I'm really losing it. Thanks for listening.