A positive two is a good score. Although it could be even stronger, Les
did a fine job of maintaining a reader focus in his first draft.
7. How are the lead and salutation?
Les jumps in with a key point; the lead is strong. The salutation is a
clear expression of shared interest.
8. How’s the close?
The sentence that begins, “Effective immediately” is aggressive and
has a punitive tone. Stressing the team’s cooperation might be a better
approach.
9. Is it specific?
No. There are no numbers or statistics (e.g., what percentage of incoming
customers find scattered frames off-putting?). Neither are there examples
that would help the sales team understand what to do with the
frames while customers are making their purchase decisions by comparing
different frames (e.g., line up the frames on a black velvet pillow).
10. Did Les use the right words? Are the words familiar to you, unless
they’re unique or were selected to add richness?
Les selected some interesting words (chaotic, confusion, scattered, and
unappealing, for example). They’re familiar and rich. There are no
unique terms used. All in all, the word choices seem appropriate, although
there is a negative, almost scolding tone.
Think about what we just determined by taking this methodical
approach to evaluating Les’s E-mail. You want to revise it with the following
points in mind:
• You need to clarify the objective and ensure that it’s positive.
• You might want to broaden the audience references to include
other personality types.