Thailand Doesn’t Suck, I do
In these past few months I’ve really realized a lot. I realized that not only have I gone a few months without posting here, I left it on a really sour note. I think I needed that time away to feel what I was feeling; I think I was afraid to post about having easier times because I didn’t want to jinx it or come back next month and write about how much I wish I was home. But I am happy to report that I’m happy. The second thing I realized was that all of the problems I was having in Thailand were problems that I created. I felt like I was always alone- my friends didn’t hang out with me, my family was always busy, and the other exchange students in my city were just distant. I was so ready to think that that was just the way it was going to be that I never thought to truly look within and see my faults. Now that I have, I know that these were all problems that I created, problems that I’m at fault for. My host family is still very busy and very hardworking, but from the beginning, I didn’t let them in. I hid in my room (where the air conditioning was) and I think that they took that as me just wanting to be alone, not wanting to participate in what they were doing. I was so focused on how bored I was or how left out I was feeling that I neglected to think of what this host family did do for me. These are some of the most caring people I have and maybe will ever know. They have truly made me feel like I am a part of this family and like I’m not so foreign to them. I will always love this host family and I look forward to coming back to visit them in the future. That said, I am very grateful for the lesson I have learned from living here. I switch host families in less than a week and now that I know what mistakes I’ve made with this family, hopefully I can be a better host daughter to my next family.
I think it was really hard for me to have this very adult experience but still feel like a little kid learning how the world works. I came here and didn’t know the rules, or the culture, or the language and it was just a really hard adjustment for me. And especially not having someone I could really talk to about my issues here just made it feel like it was impossible to live here. I still do wish I had someone I could talk to in Thailand about all of my issues, but I’m really learning how to do things on my own. I realized today that when I was sick with a cold this week, it was the first time I hadn’t whined to my mom and asked her to take care of me: I took care of myself. Even something as little as battling a cold by myself just feels so much more triumphant.
In other news I had my first Rotary trip and thought it would be nice to talk about that. I was definitely ready to go on a trip by the time it came around. This trip was really physically demanding and definitely out of my comfort zone, but I am so proud of myself for doing it and it was absolutely beautiful. I can’t put into words how nice it was to talk to other exchange students and compare notes. It made me feel like I’m not crazy and I’m not having a worse time than anyone else. It was nice to finally have those relationships that I envied so much in the exchange students in Reno last year. I made a lot of good friends and I’m really looking forward to the next trip in about 2 weeks.
When I came back from my trip, I think that was the point where everything started to get easier for me. When I got back, Thanksgiving was only a few days away. I took the day off of school to cook a big traditional dinner and they loved it. My mom absolutely loved the mac and cheese and my family even asked me to make the mashed potatoes for them again. After I made an effort, I think my family saw that I’m not just going to hide in my room and I think it was easier for them to feel close to me after that. Sunday, we went to our weekend house and had a barbecue and it was just so good to get close to this family. It’s definitely going to be hard to leave them this weekend, but I look forward to living with my next family. I think it’s gonna be a good one. And I think that’s what exchange is about- leaving what you know to learn about yourself and others, even just from host family to host family.