Consequently, when I introduced myself to people, they would frequently reject me. One girl told me, “I don’t mean to be cold, but I want to be alone right now.” Later she was talking to someone else. More often, their eyes would wander all over the room as we spoke. I would ask question after question and listen to their answers. My “interviewing” style made people uncomfortable, and when they saw someone they knew, they left me.
I imagined myself having “the mark of the outcast.” It seemed that everyone saw this mark in their unconscious minds and that this caused them to avoid me. The only way to overcome this mark was to approach as many people as possible. I believed that, with enough hard work, I could find a person who was not sensitive to this “mark.”
Meals were a problem. The cafeteria was a large, noisy room with many long tables. Whom should I sit with? After getting my food, I had to balance the tray while looking for someone I knew. It was difficult for me to locate individuals in a crowd and to remember their names. I didn’t know the rules. Once I sat next to a girl and a boy who were eating together. I felt rejected when they finished eating, picked up their trays, and left. If there was a group of people whom I didn’t know and there was an empty seat, could I sit there? I dreaded eating alone, but his often happened.
It was difficult to complete the common tasks of student life. When I arrived at the bookstore, most of the books were sold out. At the meeting on registration, I couldn’t follow the instructions. When the meeting was about to break up, I asked a question about community government. I needed the information, but the inquiry was irrelevant to the previous discussion. The meeting was extended for about ten minutes. Probably, my classmates did not appreciate this.