collecting goods for recycling, including updating guard railings on highways,
and we can demonstrate and show that turnaround time from initial
complaint or report receiving to ultimate repair, replacement, or adjusting
it has taken 23 percent longer, on average. While we all, every one of us,
have risen to the challenge of providing the citizens of this great city excellent
service, this is unacceptable, as I’m sure you’ll agree.
Revise Stuart’s introduction by following the steps that have been outlined
in this chapter:
1. Look for compound sentences. If you find one, consider breaking
the sentence into two or more separate units.
2. In complicated sentences, consider how many separate thoughts
and ideas are being expressed. Can any be eliminated? Are
any redundant? Can separate thoughts be written as separate
sentences?
3. Think about Stuart’s use of adverbs, adjectives, and modifying
phrases. Are they needed? Or are they diminishing the impact of
his verbs and nouns, and thus should be eliminated?
4. If ideas expressed in the modifying phrases are important, are
there more precise words you can substitute for longer phrases?
5. Is parallel construction maintained throughout?
Rewrite Stuart’s paragraph with an eye to increasing its clarity and
simplicity while preserving the meaning and tone.
How did you do? Compare your thinking to Stuart’s as you review his
comments and revision.
1. Look for compound sentences. If you find one, consider breaking
the sentence into two or more separate units.
“I realized that the first sentence was way too long. Seventy-one words.
Wow. It was compound and complicated. The first thing I did was break
it into two separate units.”
With last year’s budget cuts integrated throughout the agency, we’ve
been tracking their effects on our performance in several key areas
including repair of streets and fixing potholes, snow removal, trash col-