Birthdays in my family are an excuse to get together between the major traditional holidays. We've never really done big parties, but we either go out for dinner at a restaurant of the honoree's choice or allow them to choose a special meal made at home. the birthday girl/boy also gets to choose a birthday dessert either homemade from a store/restaurant. Sometimes we can't afford gifts, but we at least get to enjoy each other's company.
I'm sorry that your birthday is associated with some difficult and painful times in your life...my mum lost her grandfather and had a miscarriage around her birthday, but even though there are reminders of sad events at that time of year, she has 4 living children who love her and remind her that her life is worth celebrating even though she has experienced loss.
Don't cheat yourself or let your partner cheat you out of having love and respect for yourself and celebrating all that is wonderful in your life, your achievements of the last year and your goals for the next.