I am 45 years old - I know, I look amazing. Thank you.
I am 45 years old, and I have never once unselfconsciously held hands with a lover in public.
I am 45 years old, and i have never once casually, comfortably, carelessly held hands with a partner in public.
I don’t know how many of you can even imagine what that might be like because, of course, it’s a small thing, isn’t it? Holding hands with a love in public.
And it’s not that nobody wanted to; it’s just that we didn’t feel comfortable to do that. Now, like many gay people, when I was younger - in my young life - I struggled at one time against being gay.
I didn’t want to be different. I didn’t want to be this thing that I didn’t really understand; this thing that I had learned was shameful or joke worthy. But, when I eventually did sort of understand and come to accept who and what I am, I have never - since that moment - never once have I ever wished that it turned out differently.
I am thoroughly, deeply, delightedly happy to be gay.
It suits me! I am really good at it.
And yet, every day I am jealous of straight people, because that private little, small, intimate gesture of affection has never once been mine.
Every day, I see young straight couples walking through the park, and they are casually holding hands, and I am jealous of them. I see a teenage couple at the bus stop, and she is leaning into him, and her hand is in his, and both of their hands are tucked into his jacket pocket for warmth; and I am jealous of that teenage couple.
I will sometimes see a man unconsciously put his hand, a protective arm around his girlfriend and she will link her fingers through his; and I am jealous of that.
You know, maybe you’re on Grafton Street and you’ll see an older lady and she gestures to draw her husband’s attention to something in the window and, without even thinking, he just takes her hand and they stand there, peering into the window discussing whatever it is that drew their attention, and their hands are just carelessly joined together; and I am jealous of that.
Because gay people do not get to hold hands in public without first considering the risk. Gay people do not get to put an arm through another arm, or put a hand on a boyfriend’s waist without first considering what the possible consequences might be. We look around to see where are we? Who’s around? Is it late at night? What kind of area is it? Are there bored teenagers hanging around looking for amusement? Are there bunches of lads standing outside a pub? And if we decided ‘okay, maybe it is okay’, well then we do hold hands, but the thing is that now, those hands are not casual and thoughtless; they are now considered and weighed.
But we stroll on hand-in-hand trying to be just normal and carefree, just like everybody else; but actually we’re not because we are constantly scanning the pavement ahead, you know, just in case. And then even if we do we a group of blokes coming towards us, maybe will decide sort of silently to continue holding hands, defiantly.
But now, our small intimate gesture between two people in love is no longer a small intimate gesture, it is a political act of defiance and it has been ruined. And anyway, then you sort of think ‘well we’ve had such a lovely afternoon poking around in that garden centre looking at things for the garden we don’t actually have’ and then you think ‘all it will take is one spat “faggots” or a split lip’ to turn that really lovely afternoon into a bad afternoon that you will never want to remember.
And even if you are somewhere where you think ‘it’s perfectly fine here, nobody here is going to react badly to our tiny gesture’ - I don’t know, say you’re wantering through a posh department store. Even then, people will notice. Now, they may only notice because they’re thinking ‘oh, isn’t it nice to see two gays holding hands in public?’, but they still notice; and I don’t want them to notice. Because then our small, private, intimate, human gesture has been turned into a statement and I don’t want it to be turned into a statement. Our little private gesture, like Schrodinger's cat, is altered simply by being observed.
We live in this sort of homophobic world and you might think that a small little thing like holding hands in public, well it’s just a small thing; and you’re right - it is indeed just a small thing, but it is one of many small things that make us human. And there are lots of small things every day that LGBT people have to put up with, that other people don’t have to put up with. Lots of small things that we have to put up with in order to be safe, or not to be the object of ridicule or scorn; and we are expected to put up with those things and just thank our blessings that we don’t live in a country where we could be imprisoned or executed for being gay; and we are so used to making those small adjustments every day that, even now, we rarely ourselves even notice that