Yeah, I'm sorry but it's best I don't right now. I spend a lot of my life trying to forget about my life and that's exactly what I need to do, trust me. I need peace, low-stress and contentment more than anything.
I haven't been a big smiling person for a while, that's not my personality and I am pretty serious. People say 'serious' like it's a bad thing. I like it about myself. It's not always bad like some people think. And, I have many different sides, I am very 3 dimensional.
Also, I am very angry at people in general, this world and society due to past mistreatment, and not smiling, or at least only smiling for some people is my way of saying "fuck you" to the world. It's like I'm saying "make me smile!" Why should i smile at this world?
My attitude is the classic one of "I don't smile, cry or laugh for anyone." You understand? That's like an old desperado, rebel, renegade cowboy from the wild west attitude.
But I am traumatized too. It is worse since the divorce and things that happened afterwards. You're right, I am stressed and dealing with a lot of mental and emotional pain.
On top of the divorce after my ex did very cruel things to my self-esteem, I ended up homeless and in a rooming/boarding house in Australia with ex-cons, criminals, and some aggressive crazy people. I only got out of it as my dad got me a plane ticket home.
I'd never been around people like that. I'd always been middle class and have no criminal record, was never aggressive, and have never been a trashy person like many of those people.
I had problems with my mind before all of that though. I had problems with my mind before I married my ex and she started out helping me with them, but then in the end deliberately tried to make me worse and destroy me, and then I end up homeless after she leaves and got taken advantage of and people made a fool out of me.
I survived it though and am now in a nice place with money and I am safe, but my mind is very injured. It was almost more than my mind could take, but I held on and took it. Now I just try to stay relaxed, content, and enjoy a simple life.
I don't want anyone's pity as I don't deserve it. I hate that when many people discover I have problems with my mind, they will try to pity me. I don't need that, I am stronger than most anyone I've ever known. Pity is an insult to how strong and proud I am.
Or, people will give me advice that really offends me as it insults my intelligence.