I give them examples of how people often soothe their anger or hurt by speaking to a third person rather than by challenging themselves to be appropriately angry or vulnerable in the other person’s presence.
Often I invite them to think about a significant other—a parent, friend, romantic partner with whom they have unfinished business—and ask them to imagine actually having a direct, honest, and compassionate conversation with that person about the unspoken incidents and feelings that linger between them.
I suggest that these kinds of conversations, when possible, are the building blocks of intimacy.