T43 It is so damned hard to really choose something on your own, isn't it?
C44 Which makes me feel rea- very immature. I don't like this in me. I wish I were grown up enough or mature enough to make my decisions and stick by them, but I need somebody to help me on - somebody to push me.
T44 So that you kind of reproach yourself for that, I guess. And feel, "Why, if I was anybody, or if I was grown up, I'd be mature enough to decide things like this for myself."
C45 Right. Right. And take more risks . I wish I'd take more risks. I wish that I could just go ahead and be this and say, however the children grow up, I've done my best. I didn't have to constantly have this conflict. And I'd like, in later years, to say, "No matter what you asked me kids, at least I told you the truth. You may not have liked it, but it's been the truth." (Camera pans towards hands.) That, somehow, I can admire. (T: Mhm.) I- I disrespect people that lie. I hate it so, you see what a double bind I am in. I hate myself if I'm bad, but I also hate myself if I lie. So uh, it's accepting. I want to become more accepting.
T45 I guess, judging from your tone of voice, you sound as though you hate yourself more when you lie than you do in terms of things you disapprove of in behavior.
C46 I do. I do because this has really bothered me. This happened with Pammy about a month ago and it keeps coming to my mind. I don't know whether to go back and talk to her about it or wait. She may have even forgotten what she asked me, but uh – it just-
T46 The point is, you haven't forgotten.
C47 I haven... No, I haven't. And I would like, at least, to be able to tell her that I remember lying and I am sorry I lied and it has been driving me bugs because I did. (Pause) I do- Now I feel like ‑ now that's solved ‑ and I didn't even solve a thing, but I feel relieved. (T: Mhm, Mhm.) I uh- I do feel like you have been saying to me – you're not say- giving me advice, but I do feel like you are saying, "You really wanna- You know what pattern you want to follow Gloria, and go ahead and follow it." I sort of feel a backing up from you.
T43 It is so damned hard to really choose something on your own, isn't it? C44 Which makes me feel rea- very immature. I don't like this in me. I wish I were grown up enough or mature enough to make my decisions and stick by them, but I need somebody to help me on - somebody to push me. T44 So that you kind of reproach yourself for that, I guess. And feel, "Why, if I was anybody, or if I was grown up, I'd be mature enough to decide things like this for myself." C45 Right. Right. And take more risks . I wish I'd take more risks. I wish that I could just go ahead and be this and say, however the children grow up, I've done my best. I didn't have to constantly have this conflict. And I'd like, in later years, to say, "No matter what you asked me kids, at least I told you the truth. You may not have liked it, but it's been the truth." (Camera pans towards hands.) That, somehow, I can admire. (T: Mhm.) I- I disrespect people that lie. I hate it so, you see what a double bind I am in. I hate myself if I'm bad, but I also hate myself if I lie. So uh, it's accepting. I want to become more accepting. T45 I guess, judging from your tone of voice, you sound as though you hate yourself more when you lie than you do in terms of things you disapprove of in behavior. C46 I do. I do because this has really bothered me. This happened with Pammy about a month ago and it keeps coming to my mind. I don't know whether to go back and talk to her about it or wait. She may have even forgotten what she asked me, but uh – it just- T46 The point is, you haven't forgotten. C47 I haven... No, I haven't. And I would like, at least, to be able to tell her that I remember lying and I am sorry I lied and it has been driving me bugs because I did. (Pause) I do- Now I feel like ‑ now that's solved ‑ and I didn't even solve a thing, but I feel relieved. (T: Mhm, Mhm.) I uh- I do feel like you have been saying to me – you're not say- giving me advice, but I do feel like you are saying, "You really wanna- You know what pattern you want to follow Gloria, and go ahead and follow it." I sort of feel a backing up from you.
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