People often don’t realize what they have until they lose it. I am no different. I had lived with my grandmother throughout my childhood, but I didn’t realize how much she had done for me and how much I love her. Now that she is living the last few years of her life, I finally notice what I will be missing when she is gone.
When I was young, I was raised by my grandmother because my mum and dad were working all the time. Because of this, my grandmother was the one who greeted me when I got back from school, and cooked my meals. She took care of me and influenced me in many ways. She made me into a Christian with a strong faith. She always emphasized on becoming a benevolent person and to sacrifice my needs for those of others. I did not know back then, but she really loved me, and always wanted to provide me with the best of everything.
Then, I left Korea for Holland when I was nine. A few months after arriving in Holland, I heard the news that my grandmother was seriously ill. She had fainted and had to be transferred to the hospital and had my aunt was a bit late, she could have died. I was shocked by this news, but I did not know how serious it actually was. As a result, I went on with my life and paid little attention to how my grandmother was doing.
When I returned to Korea after spending five years abroad, I was a completely different person. I spoke very little Korean, my mindset was westernized, and I had become a rebellious teenager. Thus, when I started living with my grandmother again, things felt very different from how they had been five years ago. My grandmother was still the same person who cared for me, but because she was ill, she was often like a baby who I had to babysit. Her kindness started to feel irritating and her presence burdensome. I started to wear a frown on my face whenever I spoke to her, and even though I knew that I was hurting her feelings, I kept treating her in a rude manner. Little did I know at the time that this would be the last few months that I would be living with her.
After a few months of living with my family, my grandmother went back to hospital and was diagnosed with lung cancer. The doctor told us that she would not live more than six months. At that moment, I realized that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I felt guilty for treating her so badly during her short stay with us. I realized how stupid and immature I had been for treating her the way I did, and I felt I deserved the worst punishment I could get. From that day on, I prayed every day, begging God to help my grandmother recover and to put some of her burden on me.
My grandmother is still in a hospital fighting a losing battle against a cancer that has now spread all over her body. She was there for me when I needed someone, but I’m not there for her right now when she spends every day in agonizing pain. I greatly regret my immaturity for taking her for granted. I’m angry at myself because I’m powerless to do anything to help her but to pray. Mistakes are made to make one into a better person and hopefully this experience has made me into one.