Summary: What Do We Learn About a Child From the Civitan Lists?
I’ve said above that the I HAVE group reflects love, caring and support from a parent or another adult. Those parents let kids think for themselves if they can. The I HAVE items describe a supportive family, or other adults who take the place of family.
To this section I added good luck and skill at coping when luck runs out. Sad to say, some kids and families have rotten luck. Nobody should have to face the disasters, illnesses, unfair treatment, and the other traumas that these families struggle to master--the events that appear in newspapers every day.
The second group, I AM, describes confidence, hope, and self-respect. The youth not only has a loving supportive parent, but also feels loved and worthy of that love. These kids are also helpful: most parents and teachers would all like their kids to say that they are: “glad to do nice things for others and show my concern.”
The I CAN section outlines other strengths: to express and control feelings; solve problems; ask others for help.
What’s Missing from These Lists?
None of the lists include courage and aggression in a crisis: for example, defending yourself, fighting for what you believe. Sometimes a youth needs fight their way to safety on their own. They may need to defend themselves when no one is there to help them. Those abilities would probably show up in a list made by men. I assume that most of the adults taking the Civitan survey were probably female.
One of the people directing the study wrote:
… each reader [should] take what he or she can from this Guide and adapt it to the people, the setting and the culture. [all] children should feel loved and lovable, should be respectful and responsible, and should know who they can approach in times of need. … [we] found that most parents and caregivers do not know about resilience or how to promote it in children. (Bold type added) Thus, too many adults [don’t support] resilience, leaving countless children feeling helpless, sad and unloved.
Grotberg adds that they didn’t talk to enough people in each country. If they had, they could write more about the differences between countries. She notes:
• Some cultures rely more on faith than on problem solving in facing adversity [and stress]
• Some cultures are more concerned with punishment and guilt while others [promote] discipline and [making peace]
• Some cultures expect children to be more dependent on others for help … rather than becoming … self-reliant
• The parents in some countries maintain a close relationship with their children while others “cut off” their children at about age five. The resilient children manage this kind of rejection; non-resilient children withdraw, submit and are depressed
This completes the survey of the Civitan project. I have left out many of Professor Grotberg’s other valuable comments. (You can read more at ]http://www.resilnet.uiuc.edu/library/grotb95b.html.)
Any family that provides most of the supports on these lists can feel proud of its accomplishments. There is a female slant to the items, but consider the death and destruction brought about by men (and some women) making war … can we men really recommend raising kids--even boys--more in our own image? Chapters 2 and 3 (of Stressed Family, Strong Family) do include items on constructive aggression, and cover many other traits not included in the Civitan lists.)
Using the Civitan List: the Resilience Checklist
I’ve expanded the Civitan List below, calling it the Resilience Checklist, to include suggestions about how to help a family. You could read and discuss this list in a family, classroom, or parenting class, etc. Remember: families and kids (and teachers) often don’t know the core ideas about resilience. A family or class can use its own experiences and learn from them.
For example, a family could recall together a crisis they had gone through. They can ask each other:
• Which items on the list did we do well? (Adults can apply the items to themselves and their own coping by changing the wording to fit their own stage of life.)
• What do we need to do better in the next crisis?
Clinicians ought to find the lists useful in looking at the traits of resilient youth and the supports they need. The lists can help parents know what they need to improve in their family.
Teachers or youth group leaders who want to use this list in discussions of coping should get parents’ permission. In the U.S. and some other countries, parents may oppose such discussions in school, or in youth groups. Discussing these matters with outsiders may go against the family’s religious beliefs or other values. Some parents don’t want their kids disclosing personal information to anyone. In countries without civil rights, self-disclosure proves dangerous.
Teachers need to allow kids to stand aside from these talks if the parents refuse permission for them to take part. Kids