Portland law not clear enough regarding reanimates
STAFF REPORTER
CITY NEWSPAPER
Portland, OR – The streets of Portland are literally crawling with reanimates. City officials are baffled. As legislation makes its way through the Oregon Senate, the question on everyone's minds is simple: at what point do reanimates cease being “people” under the constitution?
Reanimates—commonly referred to as zombies or “the undead”—pose an unusual problem for lawmakers and laypeople alike. Since that morning in December of last year, the dead have been walking among us. Apart from the occasional outburst, these once-living citizens are largely peaceful. However, they are completely uncommunicative and incapable of contributing to the economy.
“We're at a loss here,” said Portland Police spokesperson Ann Onymous. “The majority of crimes involving reanimates are committed against them. At the moment, we can't charge the perpetrators with much, since their victims are technically not alive.”
Similarly, crimes committed by reanimates are difficult to approach. In May of this year, two reanimates broke into the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry (OMSI) and did significant damage to the childcare center.
The OMSI has since attempted to file suits against the reanimates in question, but the estates of both individuals have long since been carried out. Guy Mann, who represents the museum, hopes that the reanimate-related legislation clears up the legal maze he has been working to navigate in the intervening months.
“If reanimates are defined as 'people' under the constitution, they remain in control of their estates,” Mann said. “It does open up the possibility of having them declared incompetent, but at least there's a person who can be held responsible this way.”
If the legislation determines that reanimates are not legally people, reanimate-related damages will likely need to be insured against.
“It could be treated like vandalism,” Mann said. “But the damages caused by reanimates tend to be more severe. Repairs and cleaning costs for reanimate-related damages are nearly triple those of animate vandalism. Without insurance, a single reanimate attack could bankrupt a business.”
Representative Lee Gislator (R-OR) believes that the legislation hinges on whether reanimates fit the medical definition of a living human being. In this case, the law is contingent on the findings of researchers from the Oregon Health and Science University (OHSU).
According to the American Heritage Medical Dictionary’s definition, reanimates are not medically people. They are neither living nor representative of the deceased's personality. They only retain the general appearance of the deceased.
“It seems obvious that reanimates are not actually people,” Rep. Gislator said. “I am confident that the Senate will agree, and we will be able to determine how best to deal with them by the end of the year.”
The key legislation, S.B. 0000 (also known as the “Animate Personhood Enactment,” or “APE”), will be voted on in November.